LivingAlmostLarge's Personal Finance Blog

It's been an interesting couple of days. I mentioned prime day and I've bought quite a few things.

1. $199 Roomba from Amazon - wasn't on the list but something DH and I have tossed around since covid and we can run it since we are home all the time.

2. Secura Spice Grinder - amazon flash sale $34.95 unsure if I'm keeping this one of the cuisineart one from BBB.

3. Breville Toaster Oven - BBB $319 with $50 credit for future purchase (important for deciding on spice grinder) with 20% coupon

4. HB 12 cup food processor - $50 Target

5. Mini Processor - Target $9.99

Deciding on

1. Slow cooker $39.99 Target Crock Pot Cook and Carry
2. HB 7 qt slow cooker $44.99 BBB (also need 20% coupon)
3. Cuisineart Juicer/blender/processor $199 but also want 20% off coupon
4. 23 and Me $99 or Ancestry $49
5. Cuisinart Spice grinder $39.99 BBB but need 20% off coupon

I'm unsure if I need a juicer/blender/processor combo. I already have a blender though that I do use and I could get rid of and it'd be nice to have a juicer but is it worth the space?

For us it's more a space issue for everything. I am replacing our toaster oven that we use all the time almost daily. Can't wait because the breville is an AIR FRYER. Everyone swears by it. I can't wait for a bigger slow cooker since I use mine at least 1x/week. I use the food processors a lot in general no questions asked I cracked the bowl on my last one and I've been still using it. But waiting until a deal happened.

Interesting year. We are up out networth by about $290k. We are down in debt so far by $26k for the year (paid off car loan which was $12k at start of 2020). We drive paid for cars as of this month. Refied our mortgage from 7/1 arm at 3% till 2024 to 27 year fixed at 2.875% for $900. Breakeven point is in 9 months. We plan on sticking it out for 3 years.

Our assets are up $265k for the year between saving and investments. I'm thinking we'll end the year up around $300k if everything goes right.

We ended up moving everything to Merrill Lynch and not going through with our refinance. Instead Chase gave us a too good to be true no cost refi so we stayed with them and they lowered and fixed our rate. But I moved our taxable account and 2 roth IRA to Merrill lynch and now I decided I might as well wait and earn $1000 per account for moving the money and leaving it there for 6 months. Then I'll go back to Ameritrade. I don't like the ML platform and I find it more cumbersome and less updated.

I'm waiting for prime day not necessarily to shop with amazon. But rather see what deals I can get.

things i am shopping for
1. Food processor - need 10 cup/4 cup it's broken and I'm borrowing a neighbors 10 cup
2. Breville Toaster oven - want for the right price
3. large crock pot - need, mine can't easily do a lot of the cooking i'm doing.
4. roomba - want for the right price

these are the things I'm looking for next week. I have no idea if they will be a good deal or maybe I wait until Black Friday. But I definitely need a bigger crockpot. I'm making yogurt now and it's too small for a gallon of milk my 5Qt pot. The food processor well I use it a ton and am borrowing one.

I was going to buy an instapot but a friend said they'd give me theirs since they never use it. Guess I'll get it soon enough!

Funny I never though I'd be the type of person to be waiting and really make a list and think carefully about what I needed. Usually I just don't buy it and if I really want it or it becomes extreme (like my broken dyson vaccuum cleaner) I just go buy it then and there. I needed a vaccuum cleaner and I wasn't going to wait. I went straight to costco and returned the broken one and bought a new one. I use it 2-3x/day and no way can I live without one. Somethings aren't worth trying to live without.

I spent some time this past week working on personal capital looking at our spending. Okay it's out of control. This pandemic probably helps but it's interesting. We have been spending less on things you would expect like groceries and eating out but more on stuff like home renovations, school/office stuff.

2019 Spending
$22149 Travel
$20713 Groceries ($1727/month)
$10759 Pet (dog surgery)
$9358 Eating out ($780/month)

2020 Spending thus far
$17550 Travel
$12467 Home Improvement (shed)
$11548 Groceries ($1316/month)
$4689 Eating out ($521/month)

What is interesting is that our grocery bill dropped while we are eating at home most of the time and DH no longer has free lunches/snacks. Last year we were spending that much and DH wasn't eating lunches. Now 4 people eating 3 meals a day at home and we're lower groceries and lower eating out. Also groceries has gotten much more expensive during this period.

We are saving about $650/month food, no kids activities, less traveling, which it doesn't seem like it but it is. I would say we are saving at least $3k/month.

We'll see how the rest of the year plays out. We have about 6 more months until the new budget resets.

yes it drives better. Actually I haven't driven but I figure it really does. We had $8000 left and 2.49% and I had no idea why we were still paying on it 3 years later. Honestly I was a bit annoyed that we hadn't paid it off and I hadn't paid attention. So I wrote a check and dropped it at the bank. I like not having a car payment and I like owning my cars.

We lived from 2003-2010 without a car payment with a 1998 toyota corolla and 2000 ford focus. Had a kid and bought a 2010 Subaru outback new and had a loan from 2010-2015. We borrowed $20k and had 1.49%. We also bought in 2012 a 2006 hyundai sonata for $10k and I think it was 1.99%. We paid off both cars in 6/2015. DH wanted a new car in 12/2015 and we bought a new 2016 Subaru Legacy. We paid that off in 12/2018. I got a 2015 Toyota Sienna in 12/2017 and just paid that off this month.

Does it drive better? I would say that it does. I find myself suddenly excited that we are finally without a car loan again after 10 years of car loans. Ugh. We spent a decade not owning out cars. Yes it wasn't a large amount each time. And yes our interest rate was low and the reason why we kept the car loans around. But I like not owing anybody anything.

I was about to refi our mortgage to another 7/1 arm. But instead Chase offered us 2.875% 27 year fixed rate mortgage for FREE. They fedex us a legitimate offer for reducing our rate from 3% for a 7/1 arm to a 30 year fixed jumnbo. Amazing. I did pay $1168 for an appraisal with Bank of America. We will save $88/month so it will take 13 months to break even for the appraisal. But it's a fixed rate and we will be staying in our place like i said potentially until 5/2023.

So for $1168 we just fixed our rate to 2.875% on a jumbo mortgage!

LuckyRobin reminded me of some stuff I've bought, will buy, and planning on buying. I bought this summer a new knife and three new frying pans. I got the pans from william sonoma at 50% lowest discounted price from william sonoma clearance so I ended up spending $159 for three frying pans and lids. Very good deal when you consider how that's the price of usually 1 pan. This was a purchase I had been waiting for and mentioned to DH since the beginning of the year it was time to replace our calphalon pans from 2005 when we got married.

I painted the kids rooms and bought them

new mini loft beds.

I also got a new desk for myself instead of working on the kitchen island. This is a more permanent setup and DH is moving out to our office shed. I'm so excited and will try to post pictures when we get it done.

Finally I dropped our food processor and cracked the container. I think it's time for a new one. Another item from our wedding registry. I also would like to replace our crockpot which was a black friday $10 deal in 2000. I'm debating buying in instapot. But is it worth it? I heard it doesn't work quite like the slow cooker and i love love love my slow cooker and I don't pressure cook much. And I don't have space for both.

Just some cute stuff to look at.

Home purchasing has rules of thumb. The general rule of thumb is 28% PITI. So your mortgage should be no more than 28% of your income. The second part is 36% of your gross income including all other debts. Meaning if you have a lot of medical, student loans, credit cards, car payments, your entire debt load should be no more than 36% of total income. The flexibility is if you have no other debt you could stretch more and buy more house. Or if you have a lot of student loans maybe the answer is to buy a smaller home or wait for a bigger down payment.

So you know we are in the process of refinancing. We are also in the process of taking a salary cut. We have been in our current house 3 years. When we bought it we were at a PITI of ~20%. That was pretty comfortable. I have to say that staying within the 28%/36% isn't a bad thing.

But now we are creating a new budget and our PITI is at 30% and I have to say it feels tight even without us going to the new budget. This is the first time in a long time I recall what it was like to live where we stretch ourselves to afford our home. We are officially going to be "house poor" again.

When we bought our condo in 2002 we were at about 40% of our income and it was tight. But we weren't saving for retirement and we were used to living like students (which we were). In 2005 we bought our townhouse and if I recall we finally were comfortable at 30% PITI. It was a bit tight but getting easier. During the next 10 years we had a couple of promotions/raises, lost 1 income, and refinanced our mortgage to get it down to 15% income. It was awesome. We were finally able to really save and enjoy life.

We moved, rented, and then bought 3 years ago. And when we bought at 20% income it was really comfortable because really it was much lower with DH's income skyrocketing. But now we are going back to a much tighter budget and suddenly the house is looking like an albatross.

I am grateful we bought way less house than we could afford. But it makes me reflect that often times people struggle to budget and get out of debt. And I can see that easily happening to us. It's not the small things. We don't have any other debt so in theory we could afford 36% PITI and we are at 30% PITI which isn't much more than 28% PITI. But every % counts and it really just has this ripple effect on the rest of the budget. Makes you more aware of how much your heating/utilities are. Makes you aware of how expensive your daily starbucks habit it.

While the truth is the $100/month starbucks habit shouldn't be why you can't afford your house. Your house should be affordable because you bought it to be affordable. Not looking to scrounge. I guess now that I'm in that position of examining every expense. If people ask me my opinion?

I can now firmly state that I'd rather have a smaller mortgage and less house and be able to comfortably afford it than something we stretch to buy. And as I get older it's so much harder to live the same lifestyle we had in our 20s that we did. So our lifestyle is different.

Have you noticed a change in lifestyle from 20 years ago? Do you think you could go back to when you were younger and made less money?

Okay so a budget revamp is due since DH is switching jobs in March 2021. Our budget I think will be done annually. It'll be easier. This is our tentative budget for 2 years. Right now the plan is to fund our Roth IRA @ $6k/year and 2 ESA @ $2k each.

Salary $180k
-$60k mortgage PITI
-$25636 Federal Taxes, SS, Medicare
-$6000 Medical (no idea just estimating)
-$3000 Auto Insurance/Umbrella
-$1800 Electric
-$1800 Water
-$1200 Internet
-$3120 Cleaner
-$1560 Yard Guy
-$1400 Life Insurance
-$2400 Gas (this is obviously down for 2020, but in past)
-$12000 Groceries
-$6000 Eating out
-$6000 Kids extracurriculars
-$12000 Roth IRA
-$4000 ESA Kids

=$148,516 spent

= $31484 Leftover

Here is the problem. That seems like a lot of leftover. Enough to cover saving for retirement at 15% = $27000. That means we need about $13k more than we were planning on saving. And it seems tight since $31k slush I think needs to cover our misc spending and travel and things that happen.

I'm thinking if we compromise and do 10% savings on $180k so $18k, so if we move $2k into savings cash or 529 then we'll hit 10% savings rate. Yikes.

Looking at a finer tooth comb for our spending historically we spent $115k last year not including the mortgage and $102k in 2018 and $88k in 2017. Lifestyle creep. We've gotta rein it in a lot I think.

I think we need to start with the basics. Tracking what we spend till the end of the year. Then we start living on the new salary. We are refinancing our mortgage and it will go down another $500/month. We just spend too much money. I am feeling it now looking at everything with a fine tooth comb. I'll probably post in January/Feb as we get closer to it in the forum for picking over.

So the stock market insanity. I mean i can't explain it at all. Can you? I mean Singuy's explanation that we aren't in a real recession and people are parking money somewhere because Bonds and CDs are paying nothing makes sense. Everything I've read saying it's going up because the fed is inflating asset prices by printing more money. QE is real.

This stock market has skyrocketed our investments. Our retirement accounts are $1.15M today. Our taxable investments are up to around $650k. I don't know whether to hope or panic if we manage to pass $2M in cash assets this year.

But it seems surreal. Like all of this is due to a bubble. That the valuations of these stock assets aren't real. I'm not sure what is real. I do know that cash appears to be a bad place to be sitting so I've been dumping more and more money into the stock market.

Right now so many changes. I'll post more as we get close to March 2021 but DH is changing jobs. But how do we balance risk with reward?

What are you doing?

So I just dumped a ton of money into the stock market and gave up on waiting to buy investment property and moving. Was talked into it by a CFP that our 15 year time frame is ridiculous to be sitting so heavy in cash. So I pulled the trigger. I guess the market could crash but then at the same time he's right in that the market has 15 years.

I also started to reinvest more for the kids 529; $250/month into each account so $3000/year each and $2000 into ESA. This is my biggest accomplishment and the thing I'm most proud of. Saving for my kids college and taxable accounts. I looked at what I have and we have saved around $55-65k for each kiddo. Split between taxable and college savings about 60% college/40% taxable.

Ideally I want to preserve their 40% taxable for them for maybe a house and a head start in life. Imagine if I can get them to save into a Roth IRA in high school it would be amazing.

But right now I'm nervous. It's been a long time since we've had only 6 months of cash in EF. I am debating even dropping it lower. We have about 6 months in I bonds as well so it's not only cash.

How do most people handle it?

The whole 30 is over but I'm mostly continuing it. I like it. I liked how it made me feel and I like how easy it is. I think it's helped a lot. Did it make me lose weight? 10 lbs or so in a month. But I think I can see long term weight loss and getting to a steady state by just making better choices. Since it's been a few days I've added back soy, peanut butter, butter, and corn. I'm going to stick to a modified whole 30 without sugar and processed foods and some dairy for cooking. I think that by eating this way I'll be able to lose more weight and maintain it. I do eat carbs. I eat sweet pototates and whole potatoes. I eat brown rice a little and a bit of whole wheat pasta. But the real change is being aware of all the junk food i was eating which was a lot and really all the alcohol i was drinking. I"m still off alcohol till 9/1 to see how much more weight i can lose. I don't know when I'll feel like I can drink again. Really the truth is it's that my eating becomes out of control while drinking. I keep eating cheese and crackers and picking. I drink a lot as well as we sit. I can sit for hours from say 5-9 pm and finish at least 3-4 glasses of wine which is a bottle of wine really. This translates into poor eating and too many calories.

Our Retirement is up
$129k LAL Roth
$360k DH Roth
$548k DH 401k

Taxable $500k+, debt paid down $15k since start of year. The year will be a good one. We're at $1.821M net worth and I guess we'll hit $2.1 by end of year if the stock market doesn't tank.

Spending last month was a bit strange. We spent $590 on eating out with $332.84 during our road trip, $258 otherwise. Not bad. Realizing I did not drink during the road trip.

Groceries we spent $994 on groceries. Which for us is a record. Since this does not include the $150 on alcohol I know DH spent on buying beer and wine to bring back to his cousin watching our dog and for himself. Wowza. Good job!

We had an awesome roadtrip. I think we beat the surge. Now the question is what is next? I have no idea but at least we got out before. I will admit we spent quite a bit on the "right" type of lodging but it was a pretty epic trip.

So last month we went away for 3 days and spent $59.29 on gas to get there and backs. Otherwise we filled before we left for $24.72 for all the driving we did for the month. Our hotel $547.88 for 2 nights. And we spent $168.47 for take out. Very nice weekend.

Otherwise we spent $874.23 on groceries, below our normal $1200 we've been averaging for the past 2 months. I suspect June it'll be higher because I'm eating so much more fruits and veggies. We still spent $421.92 on eating out probably because I was eating out beginning of the month before the whole 30 "diet" kicked in. I am curious how this will affect our budget.

Our retirement investments are down about $52k though we've been contributing since Feb 1st consistently.
February 2020 Retirement
$149k LAL Roth
$373k DH Roth
$542k DH 401k

June 2020 Retirement
$128k LAL Roth
$357k DH Roth
$524k DH 401k

Taxable accounts Feb 2020
$110k Investments
$131k Cash

June 2020 Taxable
$169k Investments
$185k Cash

We've surpassed our Net worth in February not because of investment gains but because we have been just saving money.

I made a mistake on my investments in April 2020. Well technically I made a mistake on my DK 529.

So DH has been given the opportunity to WFH permanently and through the end of the year. What that means for us and what we are doing about it?

First off our house is not exactly suitable for all four of us living in it all the time. It doesn't really work with both of us working, him full time and me intermittently part-time from home. We have a nice home. It's 3bd/3ba with a large playroom/bonus room. But there isn't a fourth bedroom or dedicated office. We have about 2100 sq ft. I love our house and yard.

So here's the deal. We are considering putting in a shed with electric so that we can have a private office. But the trade offs? No guest bedroom. We can't see the kids while we work if one of us is not home. It'll cost between $10-25k.

Or we could move. That is something we're considering. But the next question is if we move, do we move away completely?

Do we move away from our neighborhood? Do we move somewhere cheaper and DH WFH permenantly? His salary would be "Adjusted" down if it were a cheaper cost of living. But does it really matter if he's still earning a good salary?

I mean where we live homes run about $1.5M. So moving even if they adjust his salary we'd probably come out ahead. But the real question is if he ever lost his job would we be forced to move back to an expensive area? Of course we would relocate with him being the primary breadwinner we would follow his job.

So do we stay in a place that is easy and we never have to move for a job until he retires? Or do we take a chance and move somewhere that if he were to lose his job I bet it cold be difficult to find another?

That's the real underlying question to moving anywhere and having a WFH job. What is the possibility of you finding another job like that one? Is it a common WFH job that you could? Or is it a specialized one that may require relcocating?

The answer we're pretty sure is it's specialized for DH. He makes a lot of money. So a job loss would make it definitely worth moving.

We've been talking a lot and looking into our options. I think we're going to build a shed. We are going to watch the local market to move into a bigger home. But we aren't leaving the area because DH wants to work until 2034 when DK2 finishes college and he'd rather stay where he has networking connections and he feels secure about finding a job easily if he had to.

So right now we are in a holding pattern.

We went away Friday to Sunday. Not far, just the coast about 3 hours from us. What a difference it makes. No one there was wearing a mask. People were going into stores without masks. They were not social distancing. They were going to eat in restaurants at 50% capacity.

We stayed in an empty cottage that hadn't been used since March 23rd. I'm not sure when we are going away again since we now prefer to not stay at a hotel. But then I'm not sure we are comfortable with VRBO or Airbnb when you can't be sure how much time between clients or if they really clean it. I mean that's a plus for a hotel is that you are more likely to have rules for cleaning.

We cooked and ate in the cottage but we had a fabulous time. We went and spent all day saturday and Friday afternoon and sunday morning at the beach. We flew kites, ate snacks, social distanced from all the rest of the people and the kids got super dirty and we played in the sand. We just relaxed. Everything I wanted for my birthday. I told DH I wanted a mental break. No homework, just fun playtime for all of us. He didn't bring work, I didn't bring work, kid's didn't do homework.

We just did nothing but fun all weekend. We slept in, and just played at the beach. Sounds crazy but I love the sand and the beach. In my heart it makes me mentally happy and I love seeing the water. Me and the kids run looking at horseshell crab shells. We just walked and let the dog play fetch. It's totally something we do in hawaii. Sit all day and play and get dirty then at 4 pm go home shower, eat dinner, watch tv, play games.

I guess this is why I miss hawaii. I miss these sort of days. My kids are very much beach/sand kids. No matter where we've lived in the summers we always go to the lake or beach and spend all day playing in the sand. I shake them off since the time they were 6 months old, with my pop up tent and we even snooze in the shade of my umbrella or tent. My DH isn't super thrilled and he doesn't quite find the same pleasure but to me I am happiest just sitting and reading or relaxing. Mental unwinding. My kids like to just dig and find tons of ways to expend energy and when it's hot they snooze as well.

Next up...thinking about our life... I'll post about it later.

Okay so I'm really considering private school. I'm torn because as I said before my DH is anti-religion so parochial schools he's been a hard no. He wouldn't even consider it. Now. Maybe.

But even then I'm not sure. Our kiddos are 2nd and 4th grade. What would the costs be? The closest secular traditional private school is $37,900 not including extra fees. So let's say $40,000/year per kid $80,000 for 2. Parochial school will cost us $28,430 for 2 kids.

I believe we might be too late for the fall unfortunately. So assuming we apply in the fall for Fall 2021 is what will be most likely.

First off if we save that money $80,000/year for the 7 years and $40k/year for 2 more years is $640,000. I'm not sure that's feasible. Maybe if we moved into a cheaper neighborhood. Honestly I'm struggling over the price.

Second the parochial school will cost us $227, 400 until my DK2 graduates from high school. That too is a lot of money.

I don't know. I mean I think for $14,000 a year I can pay a tutor 52 weeks $26/hr for 10 hours a week. Is it more worth it than paying for private school? Or should we look at paying at least parochial school tuition?

Right now we hired a tutor to help and it appears to be working. I sit and watch the tutor and help the kids. I also help with all the math. Interestingly my older one is motivated to do work faster but lazy. She'll get anywhere from 40%-80% right because she does it all in her head and then just put down an answer. Today I am making her sit down and repeat every single question she got wrong. By the 3rd one she admitted that if she had bothered to get a pencil and paper she could have done it. aahhhh.

Okay it's definitely getting harder to do this meat and berries crap. It's boring. It's way easier because I'm at home doing nothing. Literally nothing. But harder because it's boring. Will the whole 30 be better? I don't know. But I know it will be easier. Obviously not going out, not seeing people, not going to people's houses means really controlling what I eat. I acknowledge this in someways is not real life. That we will eventually go back out to eat. We will eventually go to people's homes. So I know that I have to learn how to navigate the world fully of tempting food and temptations.

But I'm hoping that the whole 30 teaches me to make better choices. That it's an easier way of eating and cooking without buying shakes or going crazy on diets or protein shakes or needing to go to the gym for 2 hours a day. I want to exercise but I'm hoping to do changes that stick.

I don't mind walking and walking the dog. I don't mind working out a couple times a week and probably need to get into a body weight program. Anyway onward it is.

I will say that eating now after 4 days without added sugar I can taste food. The blueberries I ate yesterday were crazy sweet.

So yesterday I started the love diet with my neighbors. It's a detox diet of meat and berries for a week. Then you start adding things back in. It's based on the 20/20 lifestyle. Apparently a couple of neighbors love to do this reset and whole 30. I'm reading the whole 30 book so we'll see how it goes.

So the detox phase is 4 oz of protein and 1 cup berries for breakfast/lunch, 2 oz of protein and 1 cup berries for snack, and 6 oz protein and berries for dinner. I am doing tilapia because I'm lazy and I bought package from costco. I usually love fish but it's super boring with nothing on it. I am also doing egg whites liquid and couple of hard boiled eggs a day. I'm thinking instead of 1 week, two weeks until May 27th then I'm debating continuing on the love diet and adding back veggies or moving onto whole 30.

Whole 30 is an elimination diet to see what your body might be allergic to or a sensitivity too. It's a more natural way of eating. You spend 30 days eating nothing but unprocessed foods and avoiding some groups of foods like beans as well. It's not a weight loss diet because you aren't supposed to weigh yourself during this time. You are supposed to be looking at other changes and you measuring other things like blood pressure, cholesterol, etc.

I have no idea. But I guess it's worth trying. I'll tell you all how it goes.

So DH's stock vested today and annoyingly enough it didn't hit his account to sell. I'm dying. Literally dying. I need him to sell it because the market is so crazy right now that I can't take the uncertainty.

For us the stock is part of his compensation and we do not hold onto for "gain". We cash out and stick it before in taxable account for investments. We always save it. As I explain to friends, clients, anyone who asks, you don't hold stock for the same company you work for. Think enron? Or the big car companies.

To hold all that stock and they go bust. I don't think DH's company will go bust. But I don't want to risk anything happening. We already have enough inherent risk by working there. To tie up our net worth into one company is risky.

So we sell and we don't make the profit probably others do. But maybe they have a second full time working spouse, but even then I think we'd sell. Or maybe they are single and without kids. I might hang on then. But otherwise it's a big chunk of DH's compensation? How large? As of right now he has made salary 45%, stock 35% and 20% bonus. So risking a 1/3 of DH's salary.

If anyone else does this I commend you for being super risky. It's more risk than being 100% in stocks or mutual funds. But for me? I find myself deleveraging ourselves and trying to minimize risk by selling stock and looking at the cash and going that's the salary.

Great ideas and thank you for the comments last post. I want to say ML is a good guy. He's very easy going and a lot of stuff I do because I want to do it. He never tells me what to cook, clean, or anything. He doesn't care. He says I don't care and you do it. Which is how I end up doing it. To him we can live in a mess, dirty, etc. He said don't stress out it's fine. Even the kids are fine. He literally was on a call during lunch came upstairs with phone and headphones and then ate the leftover noodles and curry and rice all thrown together and went back to work. Same with last night I had a mishmash of other leftovers he just ate kissed my cheek and said thank you for lunch.

The kiddos I don't know it's mostly my 2nd grader who has a lot of problems focusing and so if I don't sit with her she tends to not do any work. And we take a lot of breaks usually not more than a 45 minute "work" then break. My older one is fine but we've had a lot of IT issues with not having any touchscreens to work with. So everyday I was trying different computers, different browsers, etc. Then 4 weeks ago? DH just bought her a surface pro for $1200 and said here forget the daily complaining I was doing. I also got a computer because I was also have IT issues. And this week with the lost work we are now 4 weeks behind on the Dk1 writing narrative and the deletion of pages happened this morning. I was on hold with IT for the school district another hour.

I probably should lower my expectations. DH told me today get the cleaner (who is now able to come in) in weekly. Order out more and deliver groceries. He said "i told you to stop. Let it all go. I don't want to do it. I don't expect you to do it. Just let it all go."

He's the fun guy. Last weekend while I worked he cleaned with the kids. His cleaning for all day? They sorted legos and reorganized the bins, set up the sets they built, and made a list of pieces missing that I had to order. The kids just make a mess and then he and they don't bother cleaning because whose going to see it? No one. No one has seen our house since march 8th.

That's the problem. The house is as clean as one partner cares. DH doesn't care if the toilets, shower, sheets aren't done. He never tells me anything. He never complains and says you should do anything. As long as the kids are happy and do something, we have food (including takeout) he's happy. He just doesn't see any messes or problems. The kids help me unload the dishwasher and put away their own laundry but their rooms are messy.

So I did tell DH and kids to do more. But I got ideas for how to not do more but do less. Don't room parent, don't lead girl scout troop, etc. DH was like you do too many things and expect everything perfect. It's fine. We can eat out, deliver groceries, and get help. He said he's enjoying watching tv and playing video games (he created a roblox and minecraft world and server for our kids and all their friends) with kids 6-9 pm and usually works most nights 9-12 pm after they get ready for bed.

So yes I do feel guilty. I feel like I need to work harder at cleaning and doing everything because DH will sit and work more. He loves his job. He does work weekends. He will pull out his phone and constantly answer messages and emails because of it. I've driven on vacation and DH has worked in the passenger seat while I've driven to where we were going. He's worked in our airport lounges while we are waiting. So i feel this pressure to do everything else. How can I watch him work and sit there doing nothing?

But I'm thinking I'm going to forgive myself and stop worrying my kids are going to be way behind everyone else. That they may need to repeat 2 and 4th grades because by september they'll have forgotten everything.

So I'm going to tell you what it's like being a parent trying to work even part-time and have kids at home who aren't able to self-sufficiently do work on their own. My kids are in 2nd and 4th grade. I have to sit with them and do their work. I have to troubleshoot any problems. I have to help my 2nd grader with a pretty in depth schedule because she has a lot of anxiety.

My 4th grader is independent learner but this week has started off poorly and we had a problem with OneNote. She lost all her previous work and everything she was building for her writing narrative for the past month. I spent about 4 hours this morning trying to figure it out until Lunch. I then called the tech support and they started a ticket. This is after another hour sitting together looking through everywhere we thought it could be, going through help, etc. So now we have to start again.

Then I made lunch. Then I helped her record her band video for upload to flipgrid. In between I snuck in reading a couple of pages of SA and now this blog at 3:30 before they have class at 4-6 pm. During that time I need to get dinner ready and then tonight after dinner at around 7 pm I might be able to finally squeeze in work. I might do it now and feed everyone something lazy like leftovers.

I also spent time this morning walking/feeding dog, organizing and scanning in kid and our docs, and pulling my docs and reading my work email. I also made a couple of calls to pay some bills while I washed dishes, folded some laundry, and cleaned up after the weekend (i took a break sunday.....well it was mother's day...).

But seriously that's how it is, whether you work full or part-time. The person with the crappier pay/job pulls more weight at home. They do the cleaning, cooking, kid stuff, grocery shopping, etc. I've felt it more during this pandemic than ever. My DH has commented that I do a lot more than him and he says "I don't feel like I"m being productive enough at work. I need to work at night. Lunch and dinner and breakfast he eats and runs to work downstairs and says sorry can't clean." Unless I'm desperately needing him to really be with kids, which usually I try to shop before 9 am, he is busy. I get it.

Yes working at home there is no commute. But it's harder to focus. Harder to be efficient. There is more pressure to produce because you want to stand out and not be called out that you are "child rearing" intsead of producing.

But then what? It leaves the second parent in a difficult place. I speak from experience. My job is important for my mental health. I like it. I like stimulation. But at the same time it doesn't pay the bills, have health care, etc. So I am the one doing grunt work more. Maybe my DH should pull his weight at home more.

I mean I do everything. I don't mean like those stay at home mom's whose husbands pay bills and manage finances. I do all that. I do the insurance, will, investments, talking to banks, trip planning, etc. My DH doesn't care nor does he really mind. He signs on the line and I even order and pick up food and even if he has to pick up food "on the way home from work...I'd have better paid and order it for him so he stops and does nothing else."

Us at SA whether you are male or female we need to be the OCD alphas when it comes to finances. So it's something that just happens.

But I wonder do others with kids and lower second incomes or no income feel the same? Do you feel like you do more than your half the work? Has it gotten worse during the pandemic? Do you do more work because the primary "breadwinner" feels pressured to work more? Are they pressured to work more?

I think it would great if we were both home without our kids. But this insanity of trying to homeschool but to the school's specifications is horrific. Maybe if I had my own curriculum then it would be less stressful and I could relax. Or if the kids were fully self sufficient. Or if the kids were super small and not needing any schooling that would work. Then it would be physically exhausting.

What do you think?

Happy mother's day a day late because I was enjoying not being online for a day! Whew. I read a bit on my tablet but overall I refused to do everything I do.

DH was so tired from doing everything (on a weekend) that I normally do he went to bed very early and took a NAP during the day.

He got up at 7 am with the kids, made me pancake breakfast. He then had to clean and walk the dog. I gave him a break and he went out and got takeout lunch because he could barely keep up with doing the dishes (loading dishwasher) and wiping table. Then we bought sushi for dinner and again he was "exhausted" by his day of just cleaning and i made him walk the dog again.

Yep. I did a load of laundry but I refused to wash a dish, pick up a dish, everything. I normally walk the dog 2-3x/day, I cook, I clean tables (kids bring their plates to sink) and they fold their laundry. But DH tends to not pick up or clean anything. He eats and leaves. And yes I do the dog and dinner and I even LAUGHED and said when we get takeout I always order, pick up and do everything.

So it was a GLORIOUS mother's day and hope every other mother had a glorious day as well. I just for once in 2 months felt like I didn't do ANYTHING! And I didn't!