So we're in western washington and unfortunately day 4 of no power.  We lost power Tuesday afternoon and it hasn't come back on yet.  Typically we are pretty good.  Usually we're close enough to the city that we never have a problem with storms or snow.  But this time we got hit badly with a lot of trees in the area down.  A midwest friend said it's like a tornado.  We happened to be in the very narrow path and got super unlucky. 

I'm pretty sure the tree across the middle of the main road in our neighborhood is the culprit. The electric company and city couldn't even get to it till today.  So we are obviously out of luck.  I'm writing this from the library for an hour. I had been hoping to get power on before.

These previous days we went for lunch at DH's cousin's house.  We ate lunch and dinner with them then headed home.  We figured out we have hot water with our gas water heater, but no heat or lights.  We can light our gas stovetop but not the oven.  Thankfully the weather is only November and not that cold because our house is cold enough.  Also fortunately that when we moved in 2017 we took the downstairs down to the studs and insulated and earthquake proof the house.  Most 1960s homes were not insulated.  We had them maximize the insulation and did new windows.  I can only imagine what it would be like if we hadn't.

Our furnance while gas had an electric pilot and thermostat. So we haven't had heat.  I'm not familiar enough to know how it all works to explain but know we don't have heat.  We also have an empty garage since the door won't open and we could muscle it up I think but I don't want too.

DH left work minutes before his office lost power and his car would have been trapped there Tuesday.  I called him and said to come home we lost power at at 4 pm on Tuesday in the middle of my cooking meatloaf in the oven.  He managed to finish it on the grill but the winds somehow kept blowing out the grill and it was okay but the potatoes were unevenly cooked.  Basically the small potaoes cooked but not the larger ones.

Also fortunately we were to the cousin's house and used up all the ground beef i had bought and made burgers for dinner and bolognese.  She said it was interesting having a family of four and a dog in their immaculate home.  For which we are eternally grateful.  But they were going out of town for the weekend so today we we've been scrounging for power.  I managed to leave the leftovers in another friend's fridge who got power and we're headed to another friend's house for dinner, they generously invited us over. 

But for now, we haven't open our two fridges.  I'm going to guess we'll have to throw everything away but if we get away with only wasting that much food I'll be thrilled!  The kids also haven't had school since tuesday.  Signing off for now.

We might get a generator but we usually never lose power and to store it.  ugh.

So I was just looking at our bills and I decided I might as well put more I can't believe I spend money like this out there.  Anyone on savingsadvice typically is not a spender.  You probably have a frugal gene. I thought I had the frugal gene, but recently I'm starting to think not.  But LAL why?  Well I'm going to be posting a series of stuff that I am looking at my spending and going oh man.

Now I want to say my theory is as you get to be in your 40s (I am 45), I remember when we had our kids and we were 30 and 32.  We made good money for that time but things were really tight.  I don't know why.  But that's another post!

So anyway we had the kids and decided we'd do russian math.  We didn't like the american public school system for math because it didn't seem in depth enough.  Now 10 years later I will say I am right.  Both kids are better at it and enjoy it more because of the ease as they get into high levels because of the firm foundation.  Most of their friends, especially girls are bailing.  They aren't pushing onto higher level math which is needed to go into STEM fields.

But what did we really spend?  A lot.  Until now for both kids we've spent $45,472.  This year it'll be $7508 for their tuition.  I did a double take when I realized it today.

But is it anymore than what people spend on other extracurriculars for their kids?  No.  But it take more time and effort.  You have to sit with your kids and do the homework every week.  You have to devote countless hours to struggling with them to do work when others do not.  More than money it honestly was some of the hardest parenting.  

With a caveat that if we didn't have RSM during covid my kids were very young, we used the extra homework as time to do something other than watch screens.  Yes my kids were in public school and the teaching was hard virtually.  They basically easily lost 18 months of in person teaching and many, many kids fell way behind.  They were at an age where classmates of my kids forgot how to read!  Or were reading in 4th grade at a 1st grade level when they came back.

So we didn't just pay for math, we paid for structure without private school.  We had "homework" and extra work when the schools provided nothing.  We sat and did exercises with them daily.  

Now?  DK1 is in a stem high school and I will brag here is straight A and averaging 98%.  This is not an easy high school and most kids struggle.  She's breezing it and I don't do anything.  The early years of investing in studying, discipline (no screens till homework is done, with LOTS of tears), and just helping is paying off now.  She's doing Algebra 2 honors, physics honors, engineering  honors, english honors, graphic production, spanish ii honors, AP comp sci.  Math is 100% by the way without our help. 

DK2 is cruising along as well.  She's not as studious but is finally seeing the benefit of learning do your work first then you can play on screens and watch tv and do what  you want.  Phones are out of rooms every night along with computers.  Want your kid to sleep?  Make them charge it outside.  

But it sort of explains how and why my sink funds budget keeps expanding more and more.  Ugh.  

Just a side note and I haven't ever shared a photo of my family but this time I sort of have too.  My DK1 for her girl scout silver award started a community garden.  On Sunday it was the official grand opening ribbon cutting ceremony.  Anyway I just wanted to share how proud I am of her and amazed by what she accomplished.  

The garden is 5 beds and looks amazing.  It's being grown for people to take from the pantry and for monthly community dinners sponsored by an episcopal church, iman center, and jewish synagogue.  The father, brother, and rabbi gave prayers and blessing to the garden.  I stand in awe.  

Anyway even during the darkest times there is light.

The year is ending and I just thought I'd post about college savings and how small savings adds up.  Maybe to inspire someone, maybe because it's the simplest accounts we have.  My DK1 turns 14 in January.  I think we started her Education Savings Account or Coverdell in May 2010.  But Coverdell IRA or ESA are capped at $2000 a year contribution limits.  But you can invest in anything.  What have we invested in?  VOO.   Yep that's it. BORING.  Nothing special.  DK2 was born in July 2012 and I think I did her as well maybe a few months later.  So I've been tracking it for awhile. I have to go back to see how it was but 10 years ago...Realize we've never contributed more than $2k/year.

1/1/2014   DK1 $11,239   DK2 $6369

1/1/2015           $12,251           $6831

1/1/2016           $14695            $9105

1/1/2017           $16,588            $10,277

1/1/2018           $22,205           $14,612

1/1/2019           $24,801            $17,605

1/1/2020           $36,702           $27,169

1/1/2021           $39,668          $29,251

1/1/2022            $51,869          $38,691

1/1/2023          $43,940            $33,366

12/1/2023       $54,540             $41,945

total contri      $26,000            $22,000

So small amounts invested once a year for many, many years leaves to a doubling in 12 years.  It's supposed to double every 7 years but i'll take it.

As for apple stock?  DK1 sometime in 2010, again I think summer 2010, we were visiting in SF and DH's uncle.  He decided after meeting DK1 he would gift her 2 shares of apple stock and asked us to never sell it.  At the time it was $300 a share so he gave her around $600.  We didn't reinvest the dividends though we should have. I think we let the cash ride.  What's the $600 gift worth now from July 2010?  $11,891.  She has 60 shares from all the splits, but since I started reinvesting dividends actually 61.425 shares. DH's uncle didn't give DK2 but I did matching shares for her in a taxable account.  Those two shares of apple are the only reason why we had taxable accounts for the kids since we didn't plan on having enough money past the $2k/year ESA.  

Well now the kids have around $45k each in a taxable account and they have nice and hefty college funds with the ESA being a big chunk of it.  Turns out small investing can make a big difference in someone's life. We weren't born into any sort of money or inheritance.  But wow, just a tiny amount can make a huge difference. 

Imagine if either of our parents had gifted us even $500 or $1000 per year per kid for college or anything else.  I'm hoping to do that for our kids. Maybe be in the situation where we could gift the maximum per year to them.  Investing in their taxable accounts might make a bigger difference by the time they are 30.

We had a lovely trip to Singapore and Thailand at the end of August. I'll post some photos and notes in the next few days.  But I have to write a bit about my experience reading blogs about travel and traveling with kids.

I read a lot of posts about "saving" money while traveilng.  Mostly about transportation cost, using miles, hotels, etc.  Of course there are a bunch of bloggers writing about traveling with kids first class because of miles and getting free airline hotel comps or cruise comps.  They aren't exactly average joes looking for a deal.  Their job is blogging and ads and evaluating where they are going.  So it's not really easy to discern how expensive traveling with kids is or how easy or hard it really.  And of course there are a ton of bloggers who are single or couples doing it super cheap not constrained by school schedules and use to paying for a family of four.

So I just wanted to put it out there reality wise for all those blogs I read about food, transportation, etc.

1.  When you travel as a family of 4 or 5, sometimes it's cheaper to use a cab.  No public transit is not cheaper.  I can prove it with my uber rides versus paying $2 a person for a one way subway and having to walk.  We did use the subway/bus/walk because of the experience and fun.  But the truth is that with 4 people it's often more economical to use a grab.  I made a conscious decision not to buy a $5 transit pass card because I suspected that using ubers would be more efficient and I was right.

Also after a long day it's often times easier to go straight back and not waste an extra 30-60 minutes navigating a subway/walking/waiting with kids and maximize rest times.

2. Hotels often in Europe and Asia are built for 2. It's way more expensive and harder to find rooms accomodating families.  You can easily get 2 rooms but then you are sharing with one adult one kid.  The rooms are smaller and meant for couples.

3. Food stalls are awesome as a single or couple. It's somewhat painful to go eat at food courts with a family where you have to get your kids food, navigate a seat, get your food, and navigate trying to accomodate everything.

4. Kids need down time. Even older kids aren't as resilient as adults.  A lot of flexibility and change need to happen.

5. Carrying around a lot more and spending more. I already had a backpack on the entire time filled with sunscreen, 1 water bottle, napkins, tissues, hand sanitizer.  And I still spent more than those couples/singles with their one bottle. I bought from vending machines and 7-11 drinks because it's awful to carry around 4 drinks.  I learned that years ago.  1 bottle of water to refill in case of emergency and you buy everything else you need along the way.  Water/drinks are cheap compared to the effort of carrying it.

6. Food - i missed the michelin star food hawker stalls in singapore because trying to find it and wait in line impossible. I had fantastic food and we had a fabulous time, but as a family? You have to let go and go with the flow rather than making perfection happen.

7. Sometimes you just do the experience in front of you instead of what you planned.  There were all these itineraries of "travel" warriors for seeing everything.  Couldn't be done with my two kids ages 11 and 13.  They just couldn't hack those days.  Our itinerary was jammed packed for a family, but it still didn't come close to what bloggers write.

8.  I paid extra to sit up front in economy going and we lucked out to have no one sitting next to DH and DK1 grabbed and empty row.  Coming back I forked over $450 per person for economy plus on our mileage tickets and it was worth every penny.  

9.  Find a hotel with an amazing pool.  We had three crazy pools and it was incredible.  We needed downtime to just relax.

10.  When you land you pay a premium to eat either in the hotel as a family or nearby but often you are too exhausted to care where or what you eat.  Our most expensive meals were when we couldn't move.

I just had to post a few thoughts on traveling with kids.  I guess I found myself a bit cynical after reading a lot of blogs about itineraries and ideas.  But none really hit on traveling with kids.  

FWIW, it's awesome and fun to travel with our kids.  We always have a blast and our experiences if you've read my blog the photos have been good.  But for anyone who thinks it's what other bloggers write? Or try to experience or do it on the cheap?

It's not.  Even reading about people going to disney?  There are way to do it cheaper but cheap? Or to do it the way some single or couples do it?  with a family?  Impossible.  So cut yourself a break and enjoy the ride.

Today is a day of Joy and I have been blessed.  About a year ago my DH underwent genetic testing and was confirmed to have a specific mutation that he inherited from his mom, which lead to his retinitis pigmentosa.  This mutution is inherited in an autosomal dominant manner meaning that any child we had would have a 50% chance of inheriting it and having RP.  

When we had children 13+ years ago we had no idea what the mutation was and there was no way of knowing.  Testing was not advanced enough to genetically screen and find the mutation.  Fast forward to now and due to advances they knew where to look and last Christmas his diagnosis was confirmed.  He had been told since around age 12 when the dr was able to observe the RP phenotype.  

The fact we were told 13 years ago we would know around now, meant we've been waiting on pins and needles.  We've been waiting to see if any dr would be able to look into our kids eyes and tell us if they had it.  I know my DH has been worried, especially as he has aged and things have become more difficult for him.  The greatest fear and worry for a parent is the healthy and well being of your children.  

So a few months ago we were approved that insurance would test our kids for the mutuation.  We actually had been ready to pay out of pocket but the eye dr suggested we try insurance and she turned in the paperwork.  

It turns out both our kids are negative for the mutation.  They each had independently a 50/50 chance of having the mutation and being positive for RP.  So for DH to have two children not inheriting the mutation is amazing.  I had tears of joy when the dr called me.  

What a wonderful day.

So I am not a keeping up with the Jones person or else I wouldn't live where I live and drive what I drive.  I alsotruggle with spending money on stuff I deem unworthy (it is an individual thing and I am not a spendthrift, nor frugal but I try to be cognizant of my spending). 

That being said I got an email that "your DK2 has been taken off the wait-list for the sleepaway camp, please register by April 23rd, 2022 to hold your spot."  The camp is a 1 week sleepaway camp and it's expensive. It's $1500 for the week not to mention getting there and back (although I may not have to do it since friends are going...)

That being said I don't put the kids in much camp because I am home and usually not working.  We enjoy hanging out and travel a lot.  Plan this year is hawaii for 2 weeks, Canada for 2 weeks (family wedding) and potentially a road trip up and down the west coast with friends?  So we are busy. I signed my kiddos up for 1 week of girl scout camp because that's the one thing we do.  I also signed up for a half day paddleboarding camp.

But back to the sleepaway camp I didn't sign up for initially because it's expensive.  Realize only one of my kids is going so it's not like other friends whose spending $3000 - $4500 sending 2-3 kids so we are not parent vacationing solo. I still have my older one who won't go (autism).  So I was like I could spend $3k on our vacation.

I don't know if this is something worth doing or completely ridiculous.

The market has rebounded nicely in these past few weeks  We are down 10% in retirement and 20% in our taxable.  But then again we also got our unexpected stock sale so we made some money.  Here is what we did with it.

35.74% to 529

5.71% to spending

9.52% to I bonds

48.05% to taxable savings

the 5.71% spending I just threw into our emergency fund.  I am going to use to it spend a little extra. I also will probably cut back on savings for the year since we basically saved 95% of our windfall and 66% of income for the year.  I'm thinking I do want to spend the 5% i earmarked and not just save it. 

Things I bought already tickets to hamilton, Jack white, red hot chili pepper concerts this summer/fall.  Tickets to Las Vegas for a weekend trip.  Tickets to Hawaii for summer.  I also would like to do a few more weekend trips probably SF and maybe an october trip to Disneyland.  Some of this we would have paid for and the rest will be covered by this spending.  That plus not saving more than $16k more this year for Roth IRA and ESA contributions. 

I'll still be doing $2k/year to each kid for college until age 18 just because but I don't think I need to be doing more than that anymore.  Our kids will have college 100% paid for now and extra for a house downpayment, wedding, or car.   The taxable accounts I started will be for something else.  We have 6 figures in each 529+ESA and they are 12 and 9 plus another $50k in taxables for them.  But I will no longer stress out about affording the future. 

Everything else is for us.  I know we aren't obligated to help our kids with college. I know that we are not obligated to gift them with a hand out after college.  But I've always aspired to be able to pay 100% for college and be able to provide a house downpayment, car, and maybe even wedding.  I always wished to have been so fortunate and a little envious of people whose parents were able to help them.  I understand DH and I families were not in the situation to help us and now if anything we are about to start paying for my grandmother financially.  But since we are in such a fortunate position I am thankful for everything and going to take advantage of it.

So I guess I live in a HCOLA, doesn't feel like but sure.  I certainly have always lived in expensive areas and my mindset has always been well you buy small, flip, and trade up.  I certainly never expected to be in a position to help my kids buy a house. I have always been worried about our own retirement and retiring early has always been the plan.  So the idea of forking over say $30-50k hasn't been on my radar.  Neither has been forking over $25k for a wedding or $25k for a car.

But circumstances change and opportunities change.  Now things are bit a different and perhaps we can.  My kids will certainly now be getting substantial help from my mom for a house or investment account. I know that she plans on leaving them her house.  She's 70 and hawaii real estate is valuable.  

But recently a friend told me in confience she helped her son buy a house.  He bought a $1.2M house and she owns 25% = $300k.  She put down $300k and her name is on the deed as owner for 25%.  Her parents did this for her and her brothers.  They did this and when her brother got divorced they had to sell the house and settle our with her father (her mother had passed by this time) his share of ownership.  

She said "no marriage is forever and she learned that watching her parents."  $300k is a lot of money to gift your child and have them lose in a divorce.  Instead she decided to be a part-owner in a house to help her son and daughter in law afford it and then if she and her husband die it'll be part of her son's inheritance.  She also has a daugther and would offer the same deal even if her daughter buys while single.

That made me think okay that's what I'm doing.  If we are fortunate enough to have that sort of money then I will likley help my children buy homes buy becoming a part-owner.  As per our prior post I'm not sure I'm comfortable giving them $300k to buy a house. I think I might need to be an "owner".

Have you ever heard of this?  Do you think it's a good idea?

Something my DH and I are going back and forth with.  Can money ruin kids?  Will giving our children money or gifting them say free college, potentially a car, house down payment, or even a trust fund? 

I get that if you have tons of money that it's okay.  You can afford it.  You can afford to do something without impacting your own future.  That perhaps you are doing it to avoid future taxes.  But should you? I asked that question because I hate the idea also of paying taxes.

But at the same time I worried does giving our kids so much mean that we might ruin them?  Will they not learn the value of money?  Will they assume that everything in life is easy?  Will they expect everything in life asap because they never have to work for it?  

Or do we have to force them to have skin in the game?  Do we withhold everything and make them succeed on their own?  Is it really necessary? 

Has it been necessary for DH and I?  We were super fortunate in everything.  Everything has just broken our way.  Yes we are super fortunate and lucky but we did also make our luck by taking calculated risks.  But because we made some of our good fortune, we're honestly living the american dream. 

We've turned a corner and now the starting point for our kids is just so much higher than what we had or expected.  And because of it their starting line is so much further ahead.  They are where so many people we know started.  It's hard to explain but the help parents give children to start make such a big difference. 

Imagine never having student loans, car loans, or saving for a house.  Imagine not paying for vacations or saving for college for your own kids, or even saving for retirement.  Imagine knowing that you can choose the career you want and live where you want because you aren't worried about money.  

But knowing all of that does it ruin you?  Does it prevent you from working as hard or being as ambitious, frugal, or savvy?  DH and I had a date night last week and struggled with these questions.

We've hit a point where we might be able to do this for our kiddos.  But should we is the question I raised?  Right now truthfully I know my kids are going to be ridiculously well prepared.  Even I give them nothing my mom has continually mentioned disinheriting me and giving it straight to my kids.  So I know I probably am not getting her "house" but she's going to give the kids $200k each at a minimum.  I'm not sure that's enough to ruin them but that's not everything either.  But if DH and I give them more?  Will it be ruinous?

So I have always said we'll save enough to pay for 4 years of college at a public in state university.  That has always been our goal.  It was a SMART specific, measurable, achievable, reasonable within timeframe goal.  I hypothesized $30k/year or around $120k per kid.  Potentially $40k/year so $160k.  We have 7 and 9 years left.  My DK1 has $104k and my DK 2 has $90k right now set aside for their college costs.  I think we are definitely on track with saving another $2k/year for the next 7 and 9 years.  5% returns gets us to $163k for my DK1 and $162k for my DK2 when they start college which is right on the high end of target.

But the equation recently has changed.  I realized (ephiphany) that I can't be so inflexible.  I do not want to forced my DK1 into a situation where she would be unhappy or set up to fail. Instead now I am looking at the situation retrospectively and thinking okay whatever she chooses we can manage.  We have a foundation to afford any college and I believe she'll go because she's smart and curious. I also think that perhaps a big public university is not a place she will thrive but she might need a smaller, more private setting.  I realize that we will not qualify for financial aid.  She might get a merit scholarship but I won't bank on that because who knows how she'll navigate high school.

But my DH has never wanted to quit earlier than the kids finishing college. To him he's seen that as the accomplishment of launching our kids.  For me? I thought he should be ready to quit by 50 if not sooner.  But as we've grown he's become more adament and I'm resigned that he won't be mentally able to retire or downshift until the kids are done.  I think moreso now understanding my older child and worrying about her future, he'll resist any sort of retirement until he feels she's secure.  

That being said I realize looking at things we might need to pay for a small private college.  Cost?  $60k/year?  Astronomically more than we ever planned.  I had hoped on gifting a wedding or house down payment and car.  Again in the cards but it means either we save and live more prudently or we work longer.  Also she might take longer than 4 years if she switches schools because it's the wrong fit.  I believe she's going to pick something that plays to her strengths and I believe that she will be able to accomplish any major she picks.  She's quite smart.  But I want her happy and I don't want her to also overload on courses so that could also determine if she needs longer to stay  than 4 years.

But what do to? I don't know. I need to look at a few more simulations of our portfolio, DH working, and decide.  Right now we are on cruise FIRE not saving much more than the minimum and on track to retire in about 13 years when the kids are done 2034.  But this new variable of doubling to tripling our college costs is quite difficult to prep this late in the game.

 I'm writing this because something happened to me tonight and it really bothered me tonight and I didn't speak up. I realize I did the WRONG thing by not speaking up to offensive people.

I was sitting in a kitchen with a group of people, couple of neighbors and other moms/dads at a birthday party my DK2 attended. I realize that most of them might have been drunk and I did not drink anything. But I feel like people are being very honest when drinking and to be truthful I didn't much like any of the moms at that moment.

They were talking about a girl walking around the neighborhood calling her the "walk-around girl." That I could understand. This girl in 6th grade who walks around the neighborhood solo. That is fine a description when you don't know someone's name.  The name wasn't the problem.  It's how it was said, described, and the connotation.   It's the fact she was laughing that the girl was constantly smiling and occasionally it seemed flared/danced, or had a tic that caused her to behave a bit unusually while walking. I was curious about who the girl is because I wanted to speak up and say do you realize you are making fun of a child? And I didn't.

I feel sick to my stomach. The idea of this mom saying these things was offensive and I don't know her well but I knew I was wrong not speaking up to put that mom in her place. I should have and I probably would have ruined the mood of the party. Maybe I could have turned the mirror on them to reflect on their attitudes and mindset.

Is this because of my DK1? Yes and no. I would have felt offended even before because I have always been sensitive to knowing my DK1 was different. So I would never say someone else is different or make fun or comment because I always have worried about being judged.  Judged at how my DK1 behaved in public with some really bad meltdowns.  Judged at being a bad parent unable to "control" my kid.  Made fun of for my child that wore clothes that barely matched and marched to her own tune of just ignore all social conventions.  That "walk-around" girl could have been my child.  So no way would I ever say that.  I type this with tears in my eyes because I know this.

But yes I probably would not have been as offended before my diagnosis.  But it bothered me probably more than it should because of the sensitive place I'm in right now.  That now I can see even more clearly the kids who are "odd" and realize there are many other parents of kids who look "normal" who are struggling.  Who feel what I feel about being judged for my seemingly neurotypical child not acting "normal" but looking perfect.  That i'm a bad parent or neurotic for "giving" in to something that I know she struggles with like riding the bus.

I was wrong. I was wrong to sit there and listen. I was wrong to not speak up. But the question now is do I tell my neighbor that I was offended? I was going to tell her because our kids play together about my DK1 diagnosis and ask for an understanding in case when our children play something is said or misinterpreted. That's how another mom I know  said she does for her daughter. She will mention it to the other parent so they can can help smooth over rough edges for her daughter. But now I don't know. Would my neighbor even realize the offensiveness? Would they even care?

What happened to be kind? It's okay to be racially sensitive, gender sensitive? But mental illness or something like autism/add/adhd differences if not seen are ignored and allowed to be made fun of?   That being slightly different but looking normal is glossed over?

Should I say something?

I got an economic impact payment of $1400 for my DK2.  It was weird. I filed a tax return for her because I wanted to carryforward losses I took for her in 2020. I want to capture some gains this year as well and pay minimal taxes for her.  So last March I sold VTI and bought VOO and QQQ.  I now have about 60% gains so I'm thinking of harvesting the VOO and buying SPY and then using the losses from last year to reset my basis.

These are just some tiny things.  But i'm wondering if I'm cashing the check makes sense? I wonder if I will have to return it.  We don't qualify for it.  Uggh.

So my kiddo was different from an early age.  But there are lot of other things going on that meant there was always an excuse for everything.  Everything that seemed off or was different was explained away.  It sounds ridiculous but it really was.  I was the only mom of a girl in a special needs playgroup of boys with autism.  As I write this I feel like I can finally say to every mom who talked down to me there "hey now that I'm one of you, do you respect me??  Now that I have the same diagnosis as you, you can stop telling me we don't belong.  We are taking a spot from a kid who needs it?"  I really struggled a lot when she was younger because when you are the only mom of a girl in a group of boys, often times you are bit avoided and shunned, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally.  But a big part is that often times her interests were different and she was different.  She was as different from boys presenting with autism as she was from neutotypical girls.

I knew she was different when she could never join in with kids to play.  She would stand there and quietly watch from the sidelines, or playing by herself.  She would sometimes come to me and ask to leave and I would say can we try?  Can we try to fit in?  I always called her my square peg trying to fit into a round hole.  I didn't get it at all, except we both tried to fit in.

She had physical problems which is why she couldn't speak clearly and we needed speech therapy from age 1.  Same problems that plagued her younger sister.  We also did OT because she had poor fine motor and sensory issues with sounds and severe anxiety. This was often the diagnosis, you have a super sensitive child with severe anxiety.  Since my mom has OCD and severe anxiety I went along with it I mean when you meet my family it's pretty obvious.

She also never present with ADD or ADHD.  We would spend hours reading in the library and our daily routine was going to every library read/sing along. She knew every book, song, and word.  I mean the general day was reading for about 3-4 hours.  She memorized every fact of dinosaurs and animals.  She was obssessed with giraffes like other little girls loved princesses.  But I was never into princesses so I didn't think anything of it.  She wore only leopard or animal print clothes.  She got over certain types of fabric and clothes going over her head and zippers.  She ate everything I put in front of her.  So we muddled along with lots of social pragmatics playgrounds, speech, OT.  This continued for years.  The psychologist said the speech and OT might have taught her to self mimic and pretend so well she could cover and hide her problems for years.  Especially since she was gifted and it didn't have any real impact academically but clinicall significant was the difference bewteen most of her scores and her social score.  She is 2 standard deviations between academic and social.  She basically failed all social communications.

I accepted their diagnosis of anxiety because it made sense.  Yes she had no friends.  Yes she didn't ever have a BFF.  She couldn't seem to get over her shyness and make friends.  She never played with others in a public setting, but my mom was a terrible germaphobe and my DH wasn't exactly into it so I brushed it off.  She was the type of child who needed "playdates" with the same children to get comfortable.  Okay fine no biggie.  

Then she outgrew her fears of movie theaters, dark rooms, loud noises, etc.  We could watch tv again, she was afraid of stories that we "dark" with villans.  She enjoys watching shows like cirque du soliel, the circus, plays, music events, etc.  It took until about age 6 for this to pass. But I didn't care. We had a second child who wasn't ready, it was hard to do things anyway.  

Also when I had the second child I was in post-partum depression for a year and I struggled anyway.  And I was glad I had a super easy child that was potty trained and quiet.  She didn't like going to preschool which is how she ended up in the social pragmatics group.  But they told us that it was because i was a stay at home mom and made her clingy with her anxiety.  They said it was good for her and montessori where she would have been allowed to never talk and do her own thing I could see was the worse possible environment. So we went to a normal preschool where there was a routine and structure for 4 hours a day 2-3x a week.

But then elementary came and we seemed to be "fine".  We were outgrowing the fears, we could finally go to bed before midnight.  We seemed to be "normal".  Then covid happened. I could tell she wasn't talking during online schooling but there was nothing to be done. I couldn't be a ventriloquist.  It was an awful year at home.  But at the same time she finally made a couple of real friends.  She got it.  The constant proximity and space meant that she had a chance to develop something deeper socially. 

But now at 11 almost 12 and in 6th grade?  My daugher still doesn't speak at school to kids or teachers.  She is pretty much selectively mute.  She always looks sad and unhappy and depressed.  She is not part of the girl drama.  Emotionally the psychologist said she is 12-24 months behind which I can see.  She's outgrown OT and speech.  And now we just need help moving forward.

I'm trying to figure out what she wants.  I have people saying let her be.  I have others saying "work" on being normal. I'm not sure what she wants.  The let her be folks say maybe she doens't want human interaction or social connections.  That people with autism do not.  But then there are those who say they do.  I'm not sure what the answer is. 

I like to think that I think she does want a connection. She lights up at the thought of inviting her friends over for a sleepover or being invited.  She does smile with them and laugh.  That yes the support of being at home and being there and having other children over more seems better received.  

But trying to explain this to other moms is hard.  Explaining to others who say "she seems normal and fine" is hard.  Explaining why we aren't surprised is harder still.  The fact she can fake it so well makes me worried about what's behind the mask.

I guess this is more a reflective post and not at all about finance but somewhere to write my thoughts and perhaps put it out there for other mom's of girls looking for answers.  This week my DK1 was diagnosed with autism at 11 years old nearly 12 years old. I remember I wrote on this blog how excited I was to be pregnant, and secretly thrilled to be having a girl (I really wanted one).  I remember my husband just hoping for a healthy baby and we were blessed to have a healthy baby girl. Amazing.  Spectacular. I probably spent the first year taking a picture a day to commemerate her life. 

Life with my girl wasn't easy. In fact it was super hard for a variety of reasons physically, mentally, and emotionally.  She was so hard but I never felt like I could complain or say how hard it was when so many other parents had it harder.  I heard about others being diagnosed with a physical disability or autism early.  Instead I had many services of early intervention and I knew something was wrong. She never slept and had so many sensory issues. 

I always felt something was different and observing from the time she was about 3 I could tell she was different.  But every evaluation, therapist, counselor told me she was fine.  She had sensory issues but lots of kids have that.  She was smart, talkative, intuitive, seemingly mature.  She was stubborn and difficult but that would "serve" her well in the future and was her personality.  She withdrawn nature was called shy.  Her introvertedness was personality. Yes she was in social pragmatics group from age 3 for her shyness.  But she never failed her evaluations.  They kept telling us that she was fine.  That she was just shy and quiet and needed some social skills.  Multiple evaluators said this. 

But what changed?  I noticed since they she never fit into a group easily.  She was less socially skilled than boys her own age.  She was less adept at being part of a group and never really played with other children.  She also lacked a lot of emtion.  She was very logical, smart, stubborn, strong-willed, and difficult.  She masked a lot of problems by being quiet, but it just seemed off. While she can make eye contact she struggles holding it.  She struggles having a conversation even with me.  A lot of answers are one word answers and she struggles to vocalize what she feels or thinks.  She has a hard time making decisions.

So why the problems?  All the benchmarks and studies and hallmark evidence are based on boys with autism.  Girls present differently.  Yet are judged on the same scale instead of their peers.  If it had been peer based we would have been flagged much earlier.  She obviously and very evidently behind her male peers let alone her female ones.  Yet even I as a parent knew something was wrong and worried.  But I let all the "professionals" tell me it was fine.  Tell me that we didn't need our IEP anymore.  That she was just quiet, shy, and introverted.  Nevermind that my mother's intuition worried me.

The mantra I've had has been I only want her to be happy. I really have felt tis way. I didn't care about her education and I was right.  She's gifted.  It compensated for a lot of things.  Turns out that her speech therapy and occupational therapy also might have helped masked the problem by teaching her to "mimic" appropriate behavior and responses.

On the autism scale she's not severe.  Instead she just has complete lack of social skills and social communication. Her verbal communication score was "very high" 95%.  Her verbal skills and matrix math skills were all 95%.  It's obvious when you ask her and force her to explain things.  But to hold a conversation?  Impossible.  Even now in school she struggles about talking to a teacher or other students.  This year she tested and did 8th grade math and english but according to the teachers hasn't talked to any students.  She placed at the 80% of 8th grade math as an entering 6th grader.  Her IQ score was 130.  But she hasn't spoken in school yet when she has to write and tested she was "very high" 95% again.  She also apparently has no friends.

She also looks so normal. She is physically perfect.  No ticks. no repetitive behavior, nothing out of the norm.  She is cute, nice hair, skin, teeth, great clothes.  Since we are "upper" middle class it shows in a way that being poor showed when I was younger.

Covid was hard and good at the same time.  It allowed her to develop a best friend. Something she's never had.  She's never had a close friend.  But this girl lived across the street and her parents both worked full time so she came over everyday.  It took about 2-3 months for her to finally break through my DK and start really talking but then she did and they became I think friends.  That BFF has been a godsend and amazing.  She totally gets my kiddo.  Her emotionally EQ is off the charts.  To understand that my kiddo can't talk to others she tells to others and explains.  She joked with my Kiddo and got her to smile for her school photo.  

But now the journey is different. It took us a long time to get here.  The struggle was and is real.  I guess I needed to vent and write about being a mom to a girl with "autism".  That I am a mom with an aspie girl and it was hard to get here.  The journey forward is just as challenging but in a different way.  Perhaps this is where I write it.  Perhaps on a blog. But now i'm just curious to see if others have found the same challenges for having a girl with autism.

Nothing financial.  Nothing about finances but just write a vent.  Please read with a grain of salt that this is just me complaining. I've lead my DK1 girl scout troop for 4 years now. I have lead it solo for the past 3 years.  Even the 1st year I lead it (2nd grade brownie) I did everything and the co-lead showed up.  Since then we've done a rotation of parents signing up to stay and help but never lead.  Okay I was with the program but it's exhausting. I have always had 12 girls until this past year and covid. I started September 2020 with 8 girls and the parents were great.  But it was mostly virtual until around May 2021.  I had 3 girls drop/move away.  So I was left with 5 pretty dedicated girls. I had 2 that I lead to a Bronze award (yay! cheers!) and the other 3 contributed intermittently.

That being said with such a low number and hoping I could finally have help yesterday I met with another troop out at a playground for pizza to see if we couldn't run meeting in parallel or merge.  The other troop had 3 girls and 1 new girl.  We had previously been combined but due to high interest split.  

Well the girls got along great.  But the other troop leader and new "co-leader", I was happy at the thought of not leading anymore weren't really interested.  We discussed when we would meet and the answer was "whenever we feel like it."  Where we would meet?  Outdoors and then when the weather turns who knows.  It's too far in advance than tomorrow.  I said have we settled on how many times or how long or are we always masked and space?  The other mom said to me "i don't know about anything more than today."  It's too much planning.  She said it's not about earning badges, learning things, activities.  They just wanted time to socialize and get together and hang out.  A clear case of this was her thought that she had earned a bronze award badge for doing paint collecting, but hadn't bothered to read the requirements or process to do it.

I went home disappointed.  Fortunately I got a text saying we were way too different in expectations of running a troop.  When I had heard of her activities I thought that it's because she's low key. Instead a lot of activities were just watching movies at home, eating pizza, playing, no camping, no learning, no contributing to society. I get it, it's a social activity and the main purpose is to make friends.  But I sort of wanted something more.  An expectation of doing more.  

My husband gave me a hard time when I got home.  Yes I'm a little controlling.  But he also said truthfully there's a reason why people drop it?  And this totally fits the troop leaders personality.  Why didn't I see this?  I don't know but I am thinking maybe it'll be totally easy and manageable with the girls getting older and 5 girls who seem to really like it?  It's a big difference than babysitting those who don't want to do it.