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lowering expecations

May 12th, 2020 at 09:56 pm

Great ideas and thank you for the comments last post. I want to say ML is a good guy. He's very easy going and a lot of stuff I do because I want to do it. He never tells me what to cook, clean, or anything. He doesn't care. He says I don't care and you do it. Which is how I end up doing it. To him we can live in a mess, dirty, etc. He said don't stress out it's fine. Even the kids are fine. He literally was on a call during lunch came upstairs with phone and headphones and then ate the leftover noodles and curry and rice all thrown together and went back to work. Same with last night I had a mishmash of other leftovers he just ate kissed my cheek and said thank you for lunch.

The kiddos I don't know it's mostly my 2nd grader who has a lot of problems focusing and so if I don't sit with her she tends to not do any work. And we take a lot of breaks usually not more than a 45 minute "work" then break. My older one is fine but we've had a lot of IT issues with not having any touchscreens to work with. So everyday I was trying different computers, different browsers, etc. Then 4 weeks ago? DH just bought her a surface pro for $1200 and said here forget the daily complaining I was doing. I also got a computer because I was also have IT issues. And this week with the lost work we are now 4 weeks behind on the Dk1 writing narrative and the deletion of pages happened this morning. I was on hold with IT for the school district another hour.

I probably should lower my expectations. DH told me today get the cleaner (who is now able to come in) in weekly. Order out more and deliver groceries. He said "i told you to stop. Let it all go. I don't want to do it. I don't expect you to do it. Just let it all go."

He's the fun guy. Last weekend while I worked he cleaned with the kids. His cleaning for all day? They sorted legos and reorganized the bins, set up the sets they built, and made a list of pieces missing that I had to order. The kids just make a mess and then he and they don't bother cleaning because whose going to see it? No one. No one has seen our house since march 8th.

That's the problem. The house is as clean as one partner cares. DH doesn't care if the toilets, shower, sheets aren't done. He never tells me anything. He never complains and says you should do anything. As long as the kids are happy and do something, we have food (including takeout) he's happy. He just doesn't see any messes or problems. The kids help me unload the dishwasher and put away their own laundry but their rooms are messy.

So I did tell DH and kids to do more. But I got ideas for how to not do more but do less. Don't room parent, don't lead girl scout troop, etc. DH was like you do too many things and expect everything perfect. It's fine. We can eat out, deliver groceries, and get help. He said he's enjoying watching tv and playing video games (he created a roblox and minecraft world and server for our kids and all their friends) with kids 6-9 pm and usually works most nights 9-12 pm after they get ready for bed.

So yes I do feel guilty. I feel like I need to work harder at cleaning and doing everything because DH will sit and work more. He loves his job. He does work weekends. He will pull out his phone and constantly answer messages and emails because of it. I've driven on vacation and DH has worked in the passenger seat while I've driven to where we were going. He's worked in our airport lounges while we are waiting. So i feel this pressure to do everything else. How can I watch him work and sit there doing nothing?

But I'm thinking I'm going to forgive myself and stop worrying my kids are going to be way behind everyone else. That they may need to repeat 2 and 4th grades because by september they'll have forgotten everything.

4 Responses to “lowering expecations”

  1. Lots of Ideas Says:

    One thing I would think about is that this will probably last through the Summer, and you can use that time to catch up on assignments that aren’t being done now. You will need to fill that time somehow! If you are concerned about reading, writing, math skills you can set aside blocks of time each day for those activities. The older one can read to or with the younger one. They can write stories, keep a journal, write and perform plays. Use cooking to teach measurements - it might add time to cooking but will do double duty for learning.

    The older one could make flash cards to help the younger one with math facts. They could measure things. Practice estimation - like fill a jar with bubblegum, or legos, and everyone guess how many. If you FaceTime with people, have them guess. Then count. Then write a note to the winner.

    How many people do you know in different states? Order postcards, have the kids write notes and send them and ask the person to write back. If you don’t know someone in a state, write to the governor or some other elected official in the state. They will probably write back. When you get mail from a state, fill out a fact sheet - state Capitol, motto, bird, population, do they have a coastline, National Parks...all can be found by googling. See if you see a license plate from that state.

    If your husband enjoys working but doesn’t enjoy cleaning, you can still ask him to give you 15 or 30 minutes a day doing chores. But you have to live with his standards so maybe rotate so each task gets done perfectly a few times and just ok one in a while.

    My parents were divorced when we were young, and my mother worked multiple jobs to support us. She had a system where she cleaned on Saturday mornings. On Friday night, she made a list of chores that she left on the kitchen table. We didn’t have to help but we couldn’t watch tv or leave the house until everything on the list was done. She told us it wasn’t fair for us to have fun if she wasn’t free to have fun. I think we always helped, and since it was logical, i don’t think we minded. I’m sure it’s harder with a husband but it still seems fair!

    And if the worst thing that happens is that your kids repeat a grade, that will be ok too. But a lot of kids will be in this situation. Everyone is struggling. Everyone. Schools will work it out.

  2. Bluebird Says:

    LAL, please give yourself a break. I’m the high income earner in my family and I’m now working from home, constantly cleaning, doing laundry, keeping up with kids and dogs to the point I’m exhausted. I’m totally lowering my expectations! I saw your earlier post and will comment on that soon!

  3. VS_ozgirl Says:

    It’s good that you’re not expected to do everything and that DH has said he’s ok with getting the cleaner back in and getting more takeout. Maybe if he could spend 15-30 minutes a day doing stuff that might be helpful? Please give yourself a break too though. Enjoy spending time with the kids and carve yourself out a half hour block each day at least for some sort of enjoyment 😊.

  4. LivingAlmostLarge Says:

    Haha. I will. I'm going to backdown a bit on trying to accomplish all school stuff. It is a lot.

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