So it's started. In June we went on a week road trip and visited a bunch of schools. Yes I have a kid who just finished freshman year and is about to start sophomore year. I have a kid who "thought" they knew what they wanted and what school and what career field. Came out of this trip completely 180.
Now she's thinking maybe a school where she doesn't have to declare and get admitted to a major would be great. It might be fun to explore. She is now interested in taking multiple different courses in high school to explore instead of focusing "depth" in the major she "thought" she wanted to go into. That the idea of school she thought she wanted to go to might not be the right fit since maybe she wants a college experience and not a co-op. The college visits turned everything on it's head. She is now starting over what she really wants to do in life and in high school.
Since you all have followed DH and my journey of career changing and not really understanding that we should have done what made us happy, not our parents. That we shouldn't have picked careers our parents picked for us. That when you love what you do, you really are better at it and exceed expectations instead of being merely average. Probably because you work harder because you really like it and not just "tolerate" something you are good at.
So another part of this journey was looking at the price tag of these places. I had my suspicions for years now that DK1 would need a smaller school. I was suprised that she is interested in exploring more some of the bigger schools but maybe. I was surprised she wanted a city and hated college towns and small towns. I thought she'd want something smaller and quieter.
But that being said what also was interesting was the price tag and the conversation it started. When she looked at the colleges and said stack ranked them we pulled out the websites and checked out what it would cost to go. It was surprising the variation and costs. So she said should i even bother applying? Can we afford it?
I said yes, we can afford anything. I then pulled out the investment accounts and started going over the 529, ESA, and UGMA. i explained that the UGMA taxable i had hopes she didn't need to use it for college. That it would be a reward and seed money for the future. A house, a car, a wedding, anything. It was eye opening.
I have to say I don't get reading posts about college why more parents aren't telling their kids in freshman or sophomore year that they can't afford it. That you can go to the Ivy League or private school but we didn't save money or we can't afford it. Why aren't they having the tough conversation and being honest.
We can't afford many things in life. We can't afford to fly first class. We can't afford a BMW. We can't afford private high school. We can't afford a bigger house. We can't afford a 5 star hotel. We can't afford name brand clothes. People do tell their kids we can't afford it. But why aren't they having the conversation in the early part of high school instead of senior or even junior year? Why aren't they telling them that no matter how big a scholarship we likely can't afford it. That we can only contribute $X.
There is nothing wrong with not affording it. Maybe you got laid off, had an accident, got divorced, overspent, or have your own school loans. It's not a requirement to be a good parent to save for college. It's a privilege.
But i think being honest and telling your kid the truth should be a requirement. That helping them make a wise decision is good parenting. That having them learn about affordability before they sink into a debt hole is good parents. That telling them the future of having student loan payments if you can't afford it.
Why are we so afraid of the conversation? Why are we so afraid to tell our kids the truth? Telling my DK1 the truth also allowed me to bring up inheriting my mom's estate. I put broad strokes that they would be inheriting from my mom directly. I didn't say how much but more they will be okay and even if they go on to graduate or professional school they will be inheriting enough to cover the cost and will walk out without student loans.
August 9th, 2025 at 05:30 pm 1754757026
August 9th, 2025 at 11:13 pm 1754777626
August 10th, 2025 at 12:40 am 1754782856
My dad sat me down when I was in freshman and explained that if I wanted to go to college, it was up to me to figure it out. I needed to find a degree that I could honestly use that would pay for itself. He cautioned me on getting huge student loans and suggested if at all possible, not to get a student loan. So between scholarships, grants, and working, I graduated debt free. Did I go out and party. Nope. I borrowed books and bought used ones when I could. I had very few clothes. My side of the dorm room would have been minimalist compared to what my roommates had. But working for my degree taught me a valuable lesson; if I wanted something bad enough, I could get it and I am glad my parents didn't go into major debt. They didn't have the money to put back; we were basically on the poverty line and that is how I did get a few scholarships and grants. Not enough to pay for everything, but it helped.
August 11th, 2025 at 04:12 pm 1754925170
One thing about college shopping that is really challenging is there's no way to know what it's actually going to cost in advance. Colleges, especially private schools, have all sorts of aid available both need-based and merit-based. Typically 95+% of students pay less than the list price, sometimes substantially less. So when you go to XYZ University's website and see that the cost is $60,000, that doesn't mean you'll actually be paying that. You might only be paying 50K or 40K or even less than that.
Our daughter went to a midsize private college. She got about 20K/yr in merit scholarship money. Starting in year 2, she also got a 3K/yr departmental scholarship. Obviously that brought down the total 4-year tab considerably. It would have been an extra 90K without those things.
August 15th, 2025 at 08:27 pm 1755286030
My only child also did a combination of saved money, attending college as a high school student, tuition benefits from me and a small student loan debt $15k, I matched his payments until it was paid off ASAP.
My sister was a high achiever and went to a private college with scholarships but my other sister and I stayed in the state university system. My child also stated in the state system. We were never told we *had* to go to college but we all chose it, some more traditional paths like my older sister and some less so. We were all raised also to be financially conservative. I also believe we were also raised that going to college was possible which is not the experience of other folks. Another thing in my family was that we didn't have our parents who told us what to do, we were shown options and eventually made our own decisions, this could have been because our parents were at the beginning of the end of their marriage and probably distracted, very laissez faire.
I also think this sounds like Paula Pant - You can afford anything not everything, what's your priority?
August 17th, 2025 at 12:27 am 1755386833
So I wasn't sure if I would inherit anything or if my parents would ever help our kids. My in-laws I still have no clue and expect nothing, but i'm pretty sure at least we wont' have to pay for their funeral anymore.
And that being said I made a concerted effort to pay for college because my mom said it was my responsibility and they certainly were. Fast foward 15 years the ball game has changed and the rules as well. Now it's well the kids will inherit everything together and so if we hadn't saved a penny of kept it all for ourselves my mom would probably step in and pay for it.
Instead DH and I are going to pay and whatever happens happens. But I was ready to have the conversation with DK1 and Dk2 we had only initially saved for 4 years in state. But 5 years ago with the diagnosis of ASD and ADD for both to make private school more feasible. My parameters of in state 4 years went away and instead i said I'm planning for 4 years anywhere.
More measure 2x cut 1x. Maybe they get scholarships, maybe they don't. At that time I wasn't sure how high school was going to go if they would be a A student, B student, or C student. I also wasn't sure if private school would be needed with more scaffolding. This is not something they tell you when you give birth, you just roll with punches.
So instead i figured i'd save money and it'll all work out. And I won't know like MM for another 10 years but at least I tried my best.