So I'm going to tell you what it's like being a parent trying to work even part-time and have kids at home who aren't able to self-sufficiently do work on their own. My kids are in 2nd and 4th grade. I have to sit with them and do their work. I have to troubleshoot any problems. I have to help my 2nd grader with a pretty in depth schedule because she has a lot of anxiety.
My 4th grader is independent learner but this week has started off poorly and we had a problem with OneNote. She lost all her previous work and everything she was building for her writing narrative for the past month. I spent about 4 hours this morning trying to figure it out until Lunch. I then called the tech support and they started a ticket. This is after another hour sitting together looking through everywhere we thought it could be, going through help, etc. So now we have to start again.
Then I made lunch. Then I helped her record her band video for upload to flipgrid. In between I snuck in reading a couple of pages of SA and now this blog at 3:30 before they have class at 4-6 pm. During that time I need to get dinner ready and then tonight after dinner at around 7 pm I might be able to finally squeeze in work. I might do it now and feed everyone something lazy like leftovers.
I also spent time this morning walking/feeding dog, organizing and scanning in kid and our docs, and pulling my docs and reading my work email. I also made a couple of calls to pay some bills while I washed dishes, folded some laundry, and cleaned up after the weekend (i took a break sunday.....well it was mother's day...).
But seriously that's how it is, whether you work full or part-time. The person with the crappier pay/job pulls more weight at home. They do the cleaning, cooking, kid stuff, grocery shopping, etc. I've felt it more during this pandemic than ever. My DH has commented that I do a lot more than him and he says "I don't feel like I"m being productive enough at work. I need to work at night. Lunch and dinner and breakfast he eats and runs to work downstairs and says sorry can't clean." Unless I'm desperately needing him to really be with kids, which usually I try to shop before 9 am, he is busy. I get it.
Yes working at home there is no commute. But it's harder to focus. Harder to be efficient. There is more pressure to produce because you want to stand out and not be called out that you are "child rearing" intsead of producing.
But then what? It leaves the second parent in a difficult place. I speak from experience. My job is important for my mental health. I like it. I like stimulation. But at the same time it doesn't pay the bills, have health care, etc. So I am the one doing grunt work more. Maybe my DH should pull his weight at home more.
I mean I do everything. I don't mean like those stay at home mom's whose husbands pay bills and manage finances. I do all that. I do the insurance, will, investments, talking to banks, trip planning, etc. My DH doesn't care nor does he really mind. He signs on the line and I even order and pick up food and even if he has to pick up food "on the way home from work...I'd have better paid and order it for him so he stops and does nothing else."
Us at SA whether you are male or female we need to be the OCD alphas when it comes to finances. So it's something that just happens.
But I wonder do others with kids and lower second incomes or no income feel the same? Do you feel like you do more than your half the work? Has it gotten worse during the pandemic? Do you do more work because the primary "breadwinner" feels pressured to work more? Are they pressured to work more?
I think it would great if we were both home without our kids. But this insanity of trying to homeschool but to the school's specifications is horrific. Maybe if I had my own curriculum then it would be less stressful and I could relax. Or if the kids were fully self sufficient. Or if the kids were super small and not needing any schooling that would work. Then it would be physically exhausting.
What do you think?
childcare and second income/no income question?
May 11th, 2020 at 11:55 pm
May 12th, 2020 at 01:59 am 1589245163
May 12th, 2020 at 02:03 am 1589245391
May 12th, 2020 at 06:45 am 1589262340
But to Robin's point, we all have to do more than our work. Maybe there's a day or even a week when your husband can't contribute, but at some point he has to. Our parental contributions ebb and flow around the work, but I wouldn't be able to tolerate one person completely recusing themselves from everything but their job. I know it's also important to keep the peace, so it's a delicate thing, but it seems like you should bring this up to him.
If he absolutely refuses, I feel like your last resort should be drastically lowering your own standards about, well, everything. It's no use killing yourself. You need to take care of yourself if no one else will.
May 12th, 2020 at 10:44 am 1589276673
May 12th, 2020 at 03:09 pm 1589292572
You need to be honest with them that these are not normal times, and everyone needs to help.
Time is like money - there is a finite amount not, an you need to ‘budget’ it with a schedule just like you do money. And apply the ‘wants/needs’ rule. Your kids might ‘want’ you to sit with them, but do they ‘need’ this? Does the teacher do this?
I don’t think any of this is easy, but I think it will strengthen your family if you are honest with them about the situation and your needs. Where I live, despite a nine week stay at home Order, our numbers aren’t dropping - 150-250 deaths a day - and I think we are in this for the long haul and you can’t suck it up forever. And you shouldn’t make all the sacrifices.
May 12th, 2020 at 04:58 pm 1589299090
May 12th, 2020 at 05:27 pm 1589300873
May 20th, 2020 at 10:42 pm 1590010954