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Wedding gift question

June 13th, 2017 at 08:02 am

We can't unfortunately make it to my cousin's wedding. I'm not sure how much to give in "gift" value. Culturally my mom has always said you give the value of your meal if you go. This is pretty much true and usually it's cash. It also increases if family. However we aren't going.

I'm sad to not be going but with everything the way it is, we just couldn't have gone. It's a super busy time for us with moving that it wouldn't have made sense.

That being said I was thinking from their registry a $39.99 gift from bed bath and beyond with a 20% off coupon so still free shipping at $32.00. Then use a BBB gift card I bought on Giftcardgranny which I save 10% on so $22.50 for $25. And that will bring my spending to around $30? Is this ridiculously cheap? Do I seem cheap?

I know it's the thought that counts. If it were a friend I might have just sent a nice card. But I usually send gift cards to target when other relatives haven't registered.

I guess I don't want to look too cheap. But at the same time I wonder if I have to give $100-200 gift since we aren't going? UGH. I hate this social etiquette thing.

$5k gift

May 1st, 2017 at 08:01 pm

I'm pretty sure I'm gifting a friend $5k. I haven't discussed this with my DH and I'm not sure how to bring it up. I'm not even sure when. I've never before kept a secret from DH but this is not exactly my secret to share but at the same time it's our money.

It's a $5k retainer for a divorce lawyer for a friend. NO there will be absolutely no reconciliation. There is no possibility of it. The reason is because she has no money. They have money as a couple. But she works part-time and the money goes into the joint account. She can swipe her debit card and pay for stuff but no way can she siphon off $5k by thursday and pay the lawyer to be retained.

She found out on Saturday that he's been paying for escorts for years. It's why he tells her they have no money. She found out last week because she tested positive for HPV. She is going in to test for other STDs and to test for cancer from HPV. A supposedly devoted father and family man? This is my 3rd friend this year getting divorced. The others have separated and it's mutual. She's the only one who is going to slam him with the divorce out of the "blue". Hence the money for retainer is needed.

They have 3 kids and are 6 months shy of their 10th wedding anniversary. She's never snooped on his phone when she found his old phone and looked. There is no going back. She's done but she can't tell him yet. He's too much of a liar and he's been siphoning off money from them into other accounts she didn't know about.

He also hasn't filed taxes and she has no idea about the real truth of their financial status. She acknowledges this is all her fault. She didn't take an active part in their finances. She trusted him. A boy she knew from high school. Yes they meet 10 years later and dated and got married. She'll be 40 in September so maybe it's a good time for a new leaf.

I can't tell DH because they are our couple friends. I am having a hard time swallowing that I need to pretend everything is great and invite them over. I can't tell DH because I don't want him to have to pretend to get along.

This is eye opening in so many ways. Financial for sure. I feel a bit like cynical now because I always ask friends especially after doing people's taxes do you know how much money you have? And I have yet to meet a female friend working or not who has been able to answer my question. I have yet to meet someone who knows who holds their mortgage. Or how much they have in savings and which bank accounts they have.

I realize the women reading this blog and on the forum are extremely financially astute. They are the money managers in the family. But is it really such a small percentage of women who really know what is going on? I wonder if I could ever relinquish that much control to my DH?

Could you? Did you? Would you? Is it possible to not be the money manager and still be aware?

Depressing thoughts on marriage

June 1st, 2015 at 11:22 am

I had lunch today with a friend whose unhappily married. She hates her husband and honestly he's not a nice person.

She's got a lifestyle most people would envy. I certainly do. I think it's a great life, fun, exciting, and pretty good. BUT since I know some (probably not all) the gory details of her marriage it's hard to envy it.

I mean she has three lovely kids. She has help with them in the morning and evenings and they go to daycare/school full and part-time while she stays at home. She lives in a gorgeous house but it looks like a pristine museum. She vacations everywhere but usually with her husband's family.

So her life to anyone looking in seems perfect. Stay at home mom with tons of hired help. No financial worries and everything you could want.

But she's sad. Her husband is mean and belittles her. She hates him and wants to leave, but feels trapped both financially and the kids. I want to tell her to leave him but I don't think she should or can.

The kids are young and she needs the help and the financial support mostly. I mean if she left him her quality of life would likely go down. Am I terrible friend for suggesting to stick it out for awhile?

I don't know what to say. I think he is very mean and abusive to her. But at the same time, if she leaves he'll have the kids without her around. So there are both pros and cons to everything.

This is not just a financial decision honestly. He works a lot so she doesn't see him that much except nights and weekends. She has help with the kids going to school and bed time. She has a nice house, car, and stuff for kids. But he can be such a jackass.

I want to be a supportive friend and I do listen. But when she wonders about leaving him I haven't said she should. Or when she says she does I say great. BUT aren't we obligated to say she should leave such an asshole? I mean I've read the demeaning texts and emails he sends her. But what will happen?

I find it depressing that so many people stay married for purely financial reasons. And at the same time it seems like society likes it that way.