I had lunch today with a friend whose unhappily married. She hates her husband and honestly he's not a nice person.
She's got a lifestyle most people would envy. I certainly do. I think it's a great life, fun, exciting, and pretty good. BUT since I know some (probably not all) the gory details of her marriage it's hard to envy it.
I mean she has three lovely kids. She has help with them in the morning and evenings and they go to daycare/school full and part-time while she stays at home. She lives in a gorgeous house but it looks like a pristine museum. She vacations everywhere but usually with her husband's family.
So her life to anyone looking in seems perfect. Stay at home mom with tons of hired help. No financial worries and everything you could want.
But she's sad. Her husband is mean and belittles her. She hates him and wants to leave, but feels trapped both financially and the kids. I want to tell her to leave him but I don't think she should or can.
The kids are young and she needs the help and the financial support mostly. I mean if she left him her quality of life would likely go down. Am I terrible friend for suggesting to stick it out for awhile?
I don't know what to say. I think he is very mean and abusive to her. But at the same time, if she leaves he'll have the kids without her around. So there are both pros and cons to everything.
This is not just a financial decision honestly. He works a lot so she doesn't see him that much except nights and weekends. She has help with the kids going to school and bed time. She has a nice house, car, and stuff for kids. But he can be such a jackass.
I want to be a supportive friend and I do listen. But when she wonders about leaving him I haven't said she should. Or when she says she does I say great. BUT aren't we obligated to say she should leave such an asshole? I mean I've read the demeaning texts and emails he sends her. But what will happen?
I find it depressing that so many people stay married for purely financial reasons. And at the same time it seems like society likes it that way.
Depressing thoughts on marriage
June 1st, 2015 at 06:22 pm
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June 2nd, 2015 at 12:07 am 1433203650
Imasaver he doesn't use the kids as a threat. She just thinks without her as a buffer he'll be overly strict and stern with the kids. She feels that she makes life easier.
Stephanie I think that too especially since her 7 year old daughter says things like she hates her dad. He yells a lot and makes a lot of demands. It's more they have tutors and he constantly is critisizing my friend for her parenting or "lack" of parenting. That she's not pushing the kids enough.
Ceejay she has talked to a lawyer and she told me he told her she'd lose the kids for sure on weekends. He's not beating the kids, he's just demanding.
NJdebbie, I think she's incredibly strong to stay with the critisizm and verbal abuse.
Englishcastle i did suggest hiding money and she said she didn't know where to get the cash from. I said take out ATM money but she said he might notice.
June 2nd, 2015 at 12:35 am 1433205315
Many women live in this situation, for many reasons. It sounds like your friend is choosing her hard - because staying with him is hard, but leaving him could be equally as hard - because if she did leave him she doesn't really know how he'll react. Some abusers become vindictive and punitive if a spouse leaves. She may want to take the MOSAIC threat assessment test if she hasn't already. It will give her some information.
If she continues to stay, I hope she'll stay well. Your being a friend to her, even if it might feel to you like she should just move on already, is one of the best things that you can do to help her.
June 2nd, 2015 at 03:36 pm 1433259409
I was also in a similar situation, but the end was forced when my ex had an affair and wanted to marry the other woman. My life is so much better without him, but the kids paid the price in a disrupted childhood. There is no good answer, unfortunately.
Be a friend to her; listen, and help her keep her self-esteem up. That kind of bullying is corrosive -- it's very important that she continues to hear that she is a good person, and that she is loved.
June 2nd, 2015 at 09:13 pm 1433279639
Why doesn't your friend cut back on some of the help and apply herself more when it comes to rearing the children, she might find that really rewarding and that would consume her time instead of worrying about him if she changed her focus.
We all have to make our own choices in life.
June 3rd, 2015 at 02:21 am 1433298070
June 3rd, 2015 at 02:50 pm 1433343015
CB I think it's that situation. Where she's staying because it's hard right now with the kids being 7, 5, and 3. When they get older she'll reevaluate she said. But right now it's too much on her place. I told her that she needs to look for as much help and support as possible.
Secretary, she does a lot with the three kids. He doesn't help except to work and critisize. Fortunately that's at night after the kids go to bed since he works long hours. So morning to night it's her and three kids and the help is to help getting to school and dinner/bedtime.
Mycastle, I told her to buy gift cards and sell them maybe from the grocery store? I said I would buy them off her of for cash and i'm sure a lot of other friends would do $20 gift cards. No debit but only CC card. But if she bought gift cards maybe she could resell them?
June 8th, 2015 at 06:18 am 1433744316
June 10th, 2015 at 12:14 am 1433895272
Complaining and feeling sorry for herself will get her nowhere. She should either make the decision to stay or to go, depending on what's most important to her. And then appreciate the good things (the ones that were most important to her) about that decision.
June 10th, 2015 at 02:12 pm 1433945539
This man has put her life on hold. Take it off hold and live before she just plain despairs.
June 14th, 2015 at 04:50 pm 1434300627
June 27th, 2015 at 08:26 pm 1435436812