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getting into the groove

April 11th, 2016 at 04:35 pm

We had a nice weekend and I had a great Saturday night dinner out. With other moms I'd meet and started to develop friendships with. I mentioned how hard it was, that I was enjoying the area but making friends wasn't easy. And people are very nice but friendship takes time and effort.

I previously mentioned a few weeks ago I felt after months of seeing a couple of moms weekly for group speech therapy I finally felt it clicking. The same thing now. Went out to dinner with a few friends and I felt I could breathe. I was like "wow this is really feeling like home, I can do this."

On Sunday we went to a classmates birthday party and I'd meet a lot of the parents. One mom in particular started to spill everything out to me. She too moved here in July just because. They didn't like where they were living and her husband is a contractor so he works 100% from home. They decided to try it here and she hates it. They are considering moving again this summer to another state (texas).

Since like us they had to pay for their move she said her husband wanted to give it another year. But they both weren't in love with the area. And her son was in kindergarten and she wondered how it would hurt to move again so soon or move after 2 years?

I told her do it. If she wasn't happy here then move. Without a job or family (they are both foreigners no family anywhere in the US) then find somewhere they fit in. I told her it was "okay" to hate it here. I wasn't going to tell her to give it time. I told her I wasn't going to tell her it would get easier. I also told her if that's how she felt it's okay. Not everywhere is perfect for everyone and you make mistakes. She asked me if I loved it? I said yes but it's different for us. We chose to move where we are consciously with many factors involved.

She said she felt so guilty because when she brought it up to others how hard it was they kept saying give it another year. Give it more time she'd learn to like it. I was the first person to say move on and it's okay to hate it.

I didn't tell her but everyone said that to me where we used to live. People all the time would tell me I'd grow to like it. I should make the best of it. Not one person believe me when I said we were going to leave. They thought "oh you've been here 10 years and you haven't left. You're just complaining." I wish someone had been supportive and told me it's okay to hate it. It was okay to be counting the days.

Truth is that sometimes people do need a change. And hearing someone is unhappy in a new area the answer isn't to tell them "give it more time, or you'll adjust." Sometimes it's just giving them the words that it's okay to feel how you feel. That it's okay to hate it.

I was sad in missing our friends after we left. But I never looked back or regret leaving where we moved from. I never in 10 years felt like it was home. It never was. It was a temporary place holder in life. My DH would never go back and we'll never leave the west coast again period. I certainly won't and if he choose a job over us then he can go solo but I know he won't. He's already been recruited by multiple companies and refused to talk to them. We're home and we're happy and the kids are getting settled. I'm making friends and my DH I think is happier since I'm just happier and more relaxed. But the truth is he missed home (very close to where we are) and he didn't know it till he saw it again.

Why would we leave? Now we're those people who could tell others to give it chance. But I won't. Instead I know what it feels like to have people pat you on the hand and say "give it time." Instead I say "it's okay it's not for everyone. You aren't a bad person for hating it. If moving back or elsewhere makes you happier do it."

I hope this mom finds a place to call home that makes her family happy. I know my nephew also living in the area is counting the months until Fall 2017 when he leaves for his MBA program. He hates it and is sucking it up because switching jobs and moving for 18 months doesn't make sense. But he hates it here and I can't blame him. I just hope he can survive 18 more months.

2 Responses to “getting into the groove”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    I think that was fair advice. It really is possible to live somewhere and not like it. I could almost say that about our last town. In the end I did find people that I missed, but I don't expect we'll go back there. It still wasn't right. We don't get the luxury of deciding where we go at least for now, and we don't get to decide when we move either. I do think that places can grow on you and you meet more people over time. Technically, the first year is a year of firsts, it's a true culture shock thing. After the first year, you start to know what to expect from the school, the weather, the job, the commute, the neighbors and so forth. It gets easier after the first year.

  2. LivingAlmostLarge Says:

    I agree I think the first year there are a lot of firsts and establishing yourself takes time. It's not something that happens overnight. But then at the same time you can also tell if it's not jelling for you too.

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