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Update but not financial...what to do?

August 21st, 2014 at 04:38 am

So I have a friend (S) who went out of town with her younger child and left behind her 15 year old daughter (E) at home because school starts on Monday with her husband. He's her stepfather, but works a lot so her MIL is coming on Sunday to do pick ups and drop offs.

I was asked by E to drop her and her friend M off at the movies for a double date with boys tonight on Sunday. Her mom left Wednesday morning (yesterday). Her mom said yes and M had been staying over from Wednesday to Friday. I said fine.

But here's what's bothering me. E is going on this double date with boys she doesn't know. M went to camp for two weeks and met I guess one of these guys and he's bringing a friend and so M is bringing E.

But I had to pressure her into giving me the boys names. She didn't know. She doesn't know their phone numbers or parents contact info. And when I asked my friend S, she was flippant and didn't care. She literally told me "when I'm gone, you're the parent." Well if I were the parent E wouldn't be going period! But S said yes, so what can I say?

Also last night I asked S did you call M's mother and ask her if it's okay? Did you call M mother and confirm she knew you were out of town and only your husband was home? She said no she hadn't had the time. Also S said she hadn't the time before she left to find out more from E about this "date". While she wasn't thrilled what to do.

Okay I get that she's in a public place movie theater/open air mall with upscale restaurants. I'm dropping at 3 pm but they still aren't sure about the movie. I'm supposed to pick up at 8 pm. I'm still pressuring her about the time and name of the movie and where they are eating.

I don't know what to do because my own instinct is "HELL the F NO!" I never met these kids, I don't know who they are, and what is going on. This is not like she's going out with boys/girls I've know since kindergarden and I know their parents.

Yes I am going to eat dinner at the place and stalk them. I don't think I can do otherwise. My DH said if it were out kids I'd be a flat out no. We'd have to meet the kids first.

As to why S left? She had to go deal with stuff regarding her mother's death so she didn't leave willy-nilly on vacation. And I get that she's not been herself, and probably why she seems distracted, scattered, flustered. But this is not something I thought I'd be jumping into. And honestly parenting someone else's kid isn't easy. If anything it's harder because you treat them with kid gloves.

So anyone who reads this with a teen, help me please.

9 Responses to “Update but not financial...what to do?”

  1. creditcardfree Says:

    The answer is NO, especially since she is not giving enough information. I'd rather exercise caution in this case, rather than fail your friend in parenting duties. I like that you are planning to stalk them if you allow them to go, but five hours? If you aren't there who is to say these boys don't have cars and will ask them to leave with them?

  2. laura Says:


    I sympathetically rather relate to you parenting someone else's child - except in this case it is the foreign exchange student who is mine until December. The foreign exchange student from Italy where it is legal to smoke and drink. And then there is the matter of the boyfriend of 2.5 years that she travels with (away on weeks alone). And she lives at a boarding school where she makes her own choices Monday-Friday living in a dorm having to be responsible to no one.

    We had an issue where we were going out of state for the day - leaving at 9 AM returning home at around 9 PM. This girl has a friend from Italy (second foreign exch student living with another family two suburbs over). I told M we had plans Saturday that included her. She was free on Sunday. Well, Saturday she tells me her friend will pick her up at 4 PM.

    Hello?! Were you not listening? I told her that she needed to come with us but pack her bag and we'll drop her off at the friend's for the party/sleepover on our way back. The girl came, but pouted all day and missed a time to be in Lake Michigan and enjoy my daughters plus friend. Thank goodness she had her ipod and technology to entertain herself. She got to her friend's house by 9:30 PM due to traffic.

    Next AM I get a message from her mother asking me to respect her daughter's autonomy in make decisions on how she spends her times of leisure. Uh, what? I had to rewrite my response several times to get it cordial. It went something like, I've had your daughter in my care for eight days. She is a minor. I let her know she had plans for Saturday and was free all day Sunday. I was leaving early and returning late and going several states over. Leaving her alone was NOT an option. Please let her know that if there is a problem with something to let me know earlier than the day of, so suitable arrangements can be made.

    Mother replied back apologizing for misunderstanding, thanking me for my accountability.

    And the party that she went to ... Instagram pictures of beer pong and drinking American brew from red solo cups. Reported by my daughter who is a junior. I do feel like this might not have been the best fit. But, onward we go.

    So in my opinion in your situation: go with your gut. Too little information given. Too much opportunity for something to go wrong.

  3. PNW Mom Says:

    I say go with your gut. If she put you in the position of responsibility, then you are in charge. What if something happened? What would this mother do then? Blame you?

  4. laura Says:


    Afterthought to above comment on what to do: It is Thursday. Give E your contact information and let her know that if you are contacted by the other girl's mother you will consider it. Makes you not the only accountable grown-up. And you don't have to do any of the work chasing things to see what is/isn't going on.

  5. My English Castle Says:

    Oh my. Convent school shopping for my DD. I say yes to stalking, and no to Euro-wild exchange students. Am cheering for both you and Laura.

  6. ceejay74 Says:

    Wow! I would be really torn about some aspects of this, but it doesn't seem too much to ask to get names if not phone numbers of these boys. I can see where stalking may seem like the best recourse. Good luck! NOT really looking forward to that distant era of parenting.

  7. LivingAlmostLarge Says:

    CCF, it wasn't my call her mom said yes! I would have said no but I had to work within the parameters I felt of her mom already saying yes.

    Laura, I am very sorry it sounds like a tough situation with the exchange student. Ugh. I did insist and argue about finding out names, time of movie, movie name, and place they ate. I did find out at the last minute.

    I did go and spy on them. I was too uncomfortable not to. I sat in my car and watched and yes E did not make out with the boy. But her friend M was all over the boy. I think I now need to go to bed and lie down after a stressful day.

    It's harder worrying about other people's kids.

    English Castle, I thought about same sex school until my friend pointed out coed is better. That way you know all the players and while you may not know every kid you'll at least know of them. I think that may be the way to go. Know all variables instead of being like my friend S, E and M go to an all girl school. And they met these boys in camp.

    So is it date if they weren't making out? My friend S told me her daughter E said it wasn't a date. Well then why was her friend all over the boy? Oh well. I survived the night. Now I have to survive the week of picking the teen up.

  8. laura Says:


    Glad you survived! Sounds like while it could have gone bad, it didn't. Smile

  9. LivingAlmostLarge Says:

    Thanks! I did. But I am dropping her at school today at 1 and then her dad is picking her up at 8.

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