I want a third kid, my DH is not sure. He isn't sure we can afford it financially. He isn't sure we have the time or energy to support a third child. He isn't sure about our family dynamic. I'll admit I always planned to get pregnant this summer and have a third kid in 2015, I turned 35 recently.
But we're planning on moving and giving up our income in 2016. So my DH is worried about another mouth to feed and no income. I don't believe we'll be without an income, nor do we need much income to live I believe. But my DH is hesitant to add another child. He's worried that having another kid now will delay his job search. That he won't have the time to do it. caring for 2 kids and adding a third. He's probably not wrong.
But I am struggling with not having a third period. No we haven't done anything permanent. We agreed to the snip after we're done but that's not even been brought up. Nor have we gotten rid of any baby gear or clothes. If anything we've both been saving and storing clothes, shoes, gear. We both had assumed we'd have a third. But now what?
Do I just put aside all my baby things? Realize that the sacrifice of moving will be the third child? Will I regret it? Can I still do it in another 3 years when my kids might be 5 and 7? I'll be 38 at that time. Could I get pregnant at that age easily? Am I missing my window? Will I regret the sacrifice?
I mean we did have a heartfelt talk the other night and the truth hurts to write that my DH said if we weren't going to move we'd be talking of having kiddo number 3. I am just struggling right now with this decision.
I wonder if I shouldn't have had my kids earlier? That is probably my one regret.
Should we have a 3rd kid?
June 4th, 2014 at 02:59 pm
June 4th, 2014 at 03:14 pm 1401894880
Just a thought.
June 4th, 2014 at 03:53 pm 1401897191
June 4th, 2014 at 04:29 pm 1401899373
Why do you want a third child? I ask that as a simple question that only you can answer. Ideally, you and your husband should share a vision for your family and both be on board. And I say this as someone who has been married 24+ years, had seven pregnancies and five surviving children. And the span on my children is seven years. Our faith life has always given us the peace of mind that we would be able to provide for our children. We live in a HCOLA and I am a SAHM just now returning to work as my husband prepares for a job in ministry. I should add that I am not uneducated and did get a Masters degree before having my first. In my opinion, not have a child because of a move makes me question whether you should be having a third child at all. Though of course, this is all talk and the minute that you see that + sign in the window on the pregnancy test, your husband will be over the moon. I think that men tend to overanalyze. And we are the people that have more kids on less, but we have a grand time at life and wouldn't have it any other way.
June 4th, 2014 at 04:31 pm 1401899508
CCF, I don't want to move later because our oldest will be 6 already and going into first grade. Already I feel guilty waiting that long. We are doing it to save money for move without jobs. I have to reflect for sure more. Having a third now and waiting longer means short changing the first two right?
I need to reflect more.
June 4th, 2014 at 04:40 pm 1401900012
Where do you live? Is it NY, BOS, DC, SF, or SD/LA? I consider those places HCOLA. Everything else is tier below. Do you live by family or have any help? We do not. I'm not complaining we made a choice. And now our choice is to move closer to family. We can't visit our families by car ever. Physically you can't fly across an ocean. And we can't see our parents with less than 7 hours on a plane. We just can't.
But we hope to change our circumstances with this move.
June 4th, 2014 at 04:47 pm 1401900424
I understand balancing practicality with desire to have kids. My husband really struggled when we had a 2-year-old and a newborn and he had a more-than-full-time job as well as half-time college. It's hard to be stretched so thin and not feel like you're being a good parent OR giving the other parts all the attention they could use.
June 4th, 2014 at 05:39 pm 1401903598
June 4th, 2014 at 07:03 pm 1401908608
@ LAL, Never meant to insinuate those to not have a child would make you and your DH a bad parent. I was commenting more to the lack of meeting of minds. I think I said I thought it was best to have a shared vision for your family and open and honest communication with your husband about whether this is a decision that is right for you. When I married my husband, we knew we were open to however many children we were given. We were young and new we wanted to wait at least a few years to get ourselves educated, travel, and be homeowners; that said, had a child been conceived it still would have been a blessing and would have changed our plans accordingly.
I live in affluent suburbia of Chicago, so you can count that as a HCOLA area. I didn't have family to help when my kids were young, though my parents are now returned and do help out quite a bit. My kids are growing up with kids who vacation in warm places every Christmas holiday, get new Uggs every single season, and have parents who indulge almost every whim (think brand new cars on 16th birthdays). And, oh yeah, these people don't sacrifice to send their kids to Catholic high schools either. My kids finally got on a plane last summer for the first time ever. They help cover the expenses of their expensive hobbies (club soccer and Irish dance). The normal family size in my neighborhood is 4.3 with dual-professional parents and a nanny to help. We are seven living on a financial analyst-turned-deacon salary. We could probably be accused of having too many kids than we can afford, though everyone is clothed, fed and educated.
I suppose that I feel somewhat bad for your situation because I know what a blessing children are and I can tell you would love to have another one. It must be difficult to have a husband who doesn't share your view, or is reluctant to because of societal pressures. I am rooting for you though and hope that he can work his way through this angst because I think there is nothing more important than family. For me, a large one is a blessing.
June 4th, 2014 at 08:18 pm 1401913093
For me it is fear. Even though I was completely healthy with no risk factors, a fluke of nature just happened in my fist (twin) pregnancy. It was terrifying and heartbreaking.
June 5th, 2014 at 03:51 am 1401940288
My second concern would be if you put off pregnancy another few years, due to advanced maternal age your chances of certain conditions with the baby increase. For example, down syndrome. At age 20, it's a 1 in 2,000 chance. At age 30, it's 1 in 1,000. At age 35 it's 1 in 350. At age 40 it's 1 in 100. At age 45 it's 1 in 10.
You say your DH is worried about another mouth to feed, but kids that young (age 2) really aren't huge eaters. Why is having another child going to delay his job search?
June 6th, 2014 at 06:14 am 1402035293